Joke thread

Putin goes to a swanky party, host asks him if he would like a small port before dinner.
Yes, he says, I'll take Sevastopol, thanks.
 
This made me smile

2hz274p.jpg
 
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"





There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

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Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I threw a special party last night where everybody had to get a punch from someone just below the knee. It's a great little shindig.

My pious mate annoys the hell out of me. He said "Cleanliness is next to Godliness!"
I said "Jesus swept!"

I did a 69er with the Mrs on the floor. She said "Is this hard wood?" I said "No this is tongue in groove."[/quote]


You'll be pleased to know that that is one of your best ones. Still shite though.
Click to expand...
 
Naturally Tueart. Here's today's garbage.. :)

I am not a selfish egotist! I dont care what anyone says.

I knew satan when he was fit and healthy at age 29, now that's real primeval.

My mum made me an egg and some strips of toast. Unfortunately it wasn't dippy, it was hard boiled instead. But I managed to soldier through it.

In my first boxing match, as we were listening to the referees instructions, my opponent said "You're getting knocked out you little prick."
I said "Oh yeah!? Well yesterday's newspaper, egg shells and used tea bags!"
My trainer said "Ok, enough trash talking, you've got a fight to win."
 
Final Words...

I'll get a world record for this.
It's fireproof.
He's probably just hibernating.
I'm making a citizen's arrest.
So, you're a cannibal.
Are you sure the power is off?
Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
Let it down slowly.
Rat poison only kills rats.
Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
Nice doggie.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
That's odd.
Don't be so superstitious.
 
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
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Me and the wife had a big fight,she told me to leave the house. To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags. As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot of the stairs. When we're at eye level, she says to me. 'I hope you die a slow and painful death. Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want me to stay?'
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An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "f*ck you!"

A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband.

After about half an hour of this the old man said "I'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"
 
I caught up with an old mate of mine yesterday. I was faster than him at school, and I'm faster than him now.

I've been working on a farm full of cows just up the M62. You know 'Uddersfield.

And what happened next was very confusing! All the cows came towards me and gave me a massive hug. I was totally beef huddled.

I was sat crying in the kitchen next to the utensils. I was thinking about the day my wife died when she fell off a cliff and I couldn't catch her in time....I missed her by a whisker.
 
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