Joke thread

[manchester blue]

I was DJ'ing last night at the annual disco for the National Dyslexic Association….I made the mistake of playing YMCA - It was mayhem!

The Inventor of the jug died today....tributes have been pouring in.

 

[mad4city]

'

Can't believe it has been 24 hours and nobody - but nobody - has mentioned the mounted police.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

You can tell when you're getting old, I found my first grey pube the other day, I was mortified.



I told her she's better get it sorted out.













Somehow it sounds much funnier when John Bishop tells it

I'm impressed. You got John Bishop and funny in the same sentence. Well done.

 

[@nimal]

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.




The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"


'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.



"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My friend said "Mate, my feet! they're so hot, they're burning up! I think it's these shoes!! MATE!! DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID!?"
I said "Bloody hell, chill your boots man."

We left our baby girls with our sexy babysitter in the flat above us. When we got in, I went up to get them. I told little Rubella, Melanoma and Rosacea to go downstairs to see their mum. Then I shagged the babysitter and came down with Chlamydia.

I ran over a pig yesterday. I don't know where it came from but it wouldn't get out of my way. It was it's own stupid fault. Fucking road hog.

 

[its a Barm]

I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."

Lol your jokes are getting better!

no they are not.

 

[blueincy]

At a crowded bus stop in Piccadilly, a beautiful blonde was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't So a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her annoyance she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big fella that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the top step of the bus Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the guy said "Well Love normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

 

[andy h]

Alex Salmond was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.




The teacher asked Mr. Salmond if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So the illustrious SNP leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said Alex, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too- patronising-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."


A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"


'I'm afraid not', explained Alex, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alex searched the room.



"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Alex, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"


"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be an accident either!"

Best joke on here for a while. Don't know why but Alex Salmond has a face I would love to smash my fist into. He always strikes me as being a smug bastard.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I've suddenly decided to use Latin again. Circa 30 seconds ago, etcetera.

To look better, fat blokes should always grow a beard. They hide a multitıde of chins

Got myself a cheap old pc, it doesnt run windows but its alright for a dos about.

I am the heaviest, the richest, and most prolific owner of dog shelters in the country. Pound for pound that is.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

This thread was in danger of going on the page 3. I won't have it.



I ripped the seats out of my sports car and installed a leather couch instead. Now I have a suite ride dude.

My friend does incredibly detailed and fabulous sketches, he really is jolly good. Top drawer you might say.

I spent all morning looking for my hammer, in the end all I found was a mallet. I thought, oh well, it's better than nothing. So I spun around in circles and threw that as far as I could instead.

I was watching 2 gorgeous women competing in the mud wrestling finals. Things began to get dirty so I decided to wade in.