Joke thread

[johnmc]

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Explain - so the ugly man is really a dog

 

[GFBlue]

I've been offered 8 legs of venison for £200.

Is that too dear?





OK who's nicked my coat...........

 

[manchester blue]

My wife says I‘m naive and don’t know that much about sex…ha ha...we'll see what she says when I take her catting...

I've just started work as a human chess piece….the money's not bad and I'm on knights next week

Does dressing up as a flower have any stigma attached to it....

My wife left me because of my obsession with trying to speak French....C'est la vie

I've managed to build a car without a reverse gear or a steering wheel….It's straight forward really

My friend who happens to be a karate expert, kept begging me to join his classes, I kept saying no but he eventually managed to twist my arm.

I'm sure I've already posted my joke about deja vu!

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday….he had a Wigan address.

My wife smeared butter all over my knob earlier....now I can't open the f*******g door.

I'm not a superstitious man, but I always find I leave the bookies with a significant amount of money when I carry my lucky sawn-off shotgun.

The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.....she hit the f****g roof.

 

[Ronnie the Rep]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.



So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion,
he finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.



He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet
to the pub for a drink with him.



So he asked the centipede
in the box,
"Would you like to go
down the pub with me today?
We will have a good time."



But there was no answer
from his new pet.



This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes
and then asked again,
"How about going
down the pub with me ?"



But again,
there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited
a few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.



The guy decided
to invite the centipede
one last time.



This time he
put his face up against
the centipede ' s box and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to
the pub with me?
.....
This time,
a little voice
came out of the box,

"I heard you the first time!

I 'm putting my fucking shoes on!"

 

[blueincy]

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Explain - so the ugly man is really a dog

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ddp1pf_MB8[/video]

 

[blueincy]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
Chicken Sandwich: £2.50
Hand Job: £10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[Ronnie the Rep]

'Use the tazer, Mick!

'Use the tazer, Mick!
'Use the tazer, Mick!


Use the fukkin' tazer!'

 

[Tuearts right boot]

You can tell when you're getting old, I found my first grey pube the other day, I was mortified.



I told her she's better get it sorted out.













Somehow it sounds much funnier when John Bishop tells it

 

[TangerineSteve17]

I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."

 

[BlueBearBoots]

I'm so depressed I've started eating gravel by the bowl full. My therapist said I've got to dig in and grit my teeth.

My mate would make fun of me because he was always a better DJ than me, until recently that is. Oh how the tables have turned.

I needed to reinstall windows, it asked me to back up my drive. I said "Sure Mr Window Fitter man, if you like."

Lol your jokes are getting better!