Joke thread

[Ste1969]

I recently started a company that sold gold plated butt plugs.

Everything was going fine until Apple sued me for stealing their idea of selling over priced crap for assholes.

 

[jimharri]

A teacher asks the kids in her class (9 year olds):

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a helicopter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment overlooking the Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a garden gate in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

''And how about you, Sarah?"




"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."

 

[Ste1969]

A teacher asks the kids in her class (9 year olds):

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a helicopter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million quid, an apartment overlooking the Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a garden gate in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

''And how about you, Sarah?"




"I wanna be Kevin’s hooker."

Funny as fuck:)

 

[TangerineSteve17]

During a game, I had a look, and I saw that nobody was in the middle, so I crossed it in the box!...I'm really good at tic-tac-toe.

I saw a kitten on the street today. It had a gaping, oozing wound :(aw... I didn't feel too sorry for it though. It was only a little pussy.

I threw a house party but nobody was having fun, so I decided to have an impromptu limbo competition. Nobody was up for it so I did it solo and won.

 

[Ronnie the Rep]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.



"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s#*t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"















"Couple of minutes ago."

 

[blueunit]

Me: "You landed yourself a real trophy wife"

Friend: “Oh thanks bro”

Me: “Yeah she's tattooed with all the names of the previous winners"

 

[TangerineSteve17]

A friend began to tell me about his job, docking dog's rear appendages... I said "Spare me the details mate."

I was chatting to an attractive nurse in the hospital. I said "Can I have your number?" She said "Sure!" Then she handed me a vial of anesthetic.

My little lad cried for weeks because he didn't get a PS4 for christmas. In the end I had to console him.

 

[Cellarite]

It's fucking relentless.

 

[york away to this!]

I say, I say, I say... my dog has no nose,,,

 

[mad4city]

I say, I say, I say... my dog has no nose,,,

Really? How does he smell, then?