Joke thread

was selling my pet python on ebay and some bloke rang up and said is it a big snake.i replied its huge, so he asked how many feet,i said none its a fucking snake
 
LRebVvI.jpg
 
Mcfc_nathan_ said:
Why did Sarah fall off the swings?
Because she's got no arms
Knock knock
Who's there
Not Sarah

Why didn't Sarah get back on the swing?

She's got no legs.

What did Sarah get for Christmas?

Terminally Ill.
 
The police came to my house last night holding a picture of my wife.
They asked, "is this your wife sir?"
Shocked I answered, "yes"
They said "im afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know but she takes it up the arse and she's great with the kids."
 
I was the only bloke in a pre-screening of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I could tell it was going to be a good film...

The place was buzzing.
 
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give a thousand American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $1000 and says, "If you don't mind me asking sir, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
 

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