Joke thread

A store has just opened that offers free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

A woman goes to the store to find a husband.

She walks in and on the 1st floor door a sign reads "Floor 1 - These men have steady jobs."

She reads the sign and decides to go up to the second floor to see if they have anything better.

The 2nd floor sign reads "Floor 2 - These men have steady jobs and love children."

She thinks to herself that she can do better, so she walks up the stairs to the next floor.

The 3rd floor sign reads "Floor 3 - These men have steady jobs, love children and are extremely good looking."

“Wow,” she thinks, but she decides to keep going. She walks up to the 4th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 4 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking and help out with the housework"

She can barely contain her excitement, but she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 5 - These men have steady jobs, love children, are extremely good looking, help out with the housework and are very romantic(will **** you good)"

She is so tempted to stay, but she knows that the next floor has to be the best yet. She walks up to the 6th floor and the sign reads
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 62,985,471 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please take a complimentary cat on the way out."


However, in the interest of gender balance, the store's owner opened a New ‘Wives’ store just across the street, operating under the same rules.
The first floor has wives who love sex.
The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
 
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
 
Sold my collection of glove puppets to a collector earlier.

He made an offer to take them off my hands.


This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself:

"Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."
 
I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line.

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

_________________
 
mad4city said:
Schrodinger walks into a bar.
Barman says 'What's up with you?'
Schrodinger replies 'You didn't see my cat, did you?'






Freud walks into a bar.
Barman says 'Fuck off! That last joke was terrible!'

Descartes walks into a bar and orders a pint.
"Do you want any crisps with that?" asks the barman.
"I think not" said Descartes, and promptly disappeared
 
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fooking hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
 
As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my friend's son invited a local Korean family round for dinner.

The school believe it's the first case ever of the homework eating the dog.
 

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