Joke thread

[jayfx]

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced em with but I've been tripping all day

 

[jimharri]

I went into a barber's, sat down in the chair and the barber said, "How do you want me to cut your hair?"

I said, "Like Liam Gallagher, please."

So he put on a parka and said, "Alright knobhead."

 

[AkanjisAfro]

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
He got hit by a bus

 

[AkanjisAfro]

Why did Sarah fall off the swings?
Because she's got no arms
Knock knock
Who's there
Not Sarah

 

[foetus]

What did one cat say to the other?

Spoiler

Meow

 

[kun]

I took my girlfriend to dinner last night and I was shocked when one gentleman called me a paedophile just because she's 19 and I'm 30. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

 

[sweynforkbeard]

What do we want? A cure for Tourettes.
When do we want it? ****.

 

[law74]

Knock knock
who's there?
It's the police
what do you want?
We just want to talk.
how many of you are there?
Two
then talk to each other

 

[jimharri]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What?" At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Anyone want to buy a robot?

 

[Squelch]

Q: What town is Antwerp twinned with?

A: Dectwerp