Joke thread

pudge said:
It's been posted before so apologies but i feel it should grace every joke thread;

A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Click to expand...
Nearly spat my drink out.
 
citykev28 said:
what have an eagle and a mole got in common?


they both live under the ground.....apart from the eagle.
Click to expand...



1304618376_tumbleweed-gif.gif
 
When someone told van Gogh that he'd finally sold his first painting, he couldn't believe his ear.
 
A dwarf walks into a brothel with springs tied to each arm and each leg. The brass he selects isn't expecting much, but when he gets her in the bedroom he attaches the springs to the bed and smashes the granny out of her for 4 hours non-stop, like she's never had it before. As she lies there afterward completely satisfied, she says "I didn't expect that, how did you do it?" He replies "That's my Foursprung Dwarf Technique"

I'm here all week.
 
Piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and shouts "im the hardest bastard in here.''
Barman says ''calm down mate,of course you are, you're a piece of tarmac!''
Then a piece of red tarmac walks in and says"I'll fight any fucker here. Who wants a beating?"
Black tarmac stays silent.
The barman says to black tarmac "Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight?
Black tarmac replies"I'm not messing with that fucker, he's a fucking cyclepath."
 
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