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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Mustard Dave
Well-Known Member
What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One is weasely identifiable, the other is stoatally different.
I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a wee. I noticed he was winking at me so I looked away, I turned and looked again and the little bugga was winking at me like crazy! Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do u fancy me or something?" he replied " No you're splashing in my bloody eyes!"
bluemooncol
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 6 Sep 2008
- Messages
- 588
did you hear about the magic tractor? it turned into a field.
whats green and has wheels? grass i lied about the wheels
whats green and has wheels? grass i lied about the wheels
the blue panther
Well-Known Member
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
glen quagmire
Well-Known Member
A country's legal system, postpones an alleged criminal's court case, as he has to go to work first..........
chrismcfcturner
Member
- Joined
- 13 Jan 2012
- Messages
- 24
bloke in a nightclub sees a huge fat girl at the bar.he walks up to her and asks'have u got a pen?'she looks up smiles and says"why,yes i do". 'well' says the bloke,"you'd better fuck off back to it before the farmer realises your missing!"
Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory and the manager asks.. have you worked with chemicals before?
Yes! Paddy replies...
The manager asks....can you tell me what nitrate is?
Paddy replies...I'm hoping it's fucking double time !
Yes! Paddy replies...
The manager asks....can you tell me what nitrate is?
Paddy replies...I'm hoping it's fucking double time !
chrismcfcturner
Member
- Joined
- 13 Jan 2012
- Messages
- 24
armed robber goes into a bank says " put your hands in the air and give me all ya cash!"suddenly a guy pulls his balaclava off and the gunman shoots him dead!! and says"right who else saw my face??"guy says looking down "think that rag in the united shirt got a glimpse!!!!"