Joke thread

Trying to find a fit bird at the pub is similar to crazy golf.

You want the perfect hole,

but your balls normally end up bouncing round some hippo's teeth ! .
 
3 Irishmen in a bar. Paddy says"My locals better than this, you buy 2 drinks and the 3rd free"

Mick says, "Well in my local you buy 1 drink you get the 2nd free"

Murphy says, "Thats nothing. In my local you buy the 1st drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th,6th & 7th are free.
Then you go out the back and get a Shag

"WOW," says the other two,
"Has that actually happened to you?"

"No," says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister.

(sorry my Irish brethren )!


My wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said that 'I should now possibly prepare for the worst.'

so I had to go down to the Oxfam to get all of her clothes back...


I had a happy childhood.

My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill.

They were goodyears...
 
A 7 year old & 4 year old are in their bedroom.
"You know what" says 7year old "I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast I'll swear first then you".
"OK" says 4year old.
Mum asks 7yr old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have Coco pops, woman".
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looked at 4yr old & said sternly "And what do you want?".

"Dunno but it won't be fucking coco pops."





Having a girl with a tattoo on the back of her neck is much like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -

It gives you something to read while you're in the



Just been to the barbers and asked for a liverpool fc....a mess at the back nothing on the sides and fuck all front, he charged me £130million
 
I had a dream last night, I was getting a blowjob from the blonde one from ABBA.....




I woke up because his beard was tickling my bollocks
 
The Korean version of Marley and Me was probably a lot shorter...
 
Visited one of them Swiss euthanasia clinics with a dying relative recently. Got there just in time for breakfast. They were serving Cheerios.
 
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