Joke thread

The government has advised us to be careful that we are not being sold fake tickets for the olympics. Just checked mine for the men's wheelchair triple jump and they seem genuine enough.;)
 
I walked up to a bloke sat in the pub last night.
"Is that your wife who's just nipped outside for a fag?" I asked.
"Yes it is," he replied.
"Well, you're a very lucky man," I said.
"Gorgeous, isn't she?" he smiled.
"No," I replied. "She's just been knocked over by a bus!"
 
When I was in jail i was held down over a table and violenty fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Barry takes Monopoly a bit too seriously.
 
My three-year-old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning. After a few minutes, he started getting stressed and said, "Stupid twattin' fuckin lid." My wife looked at me and said, "Where's he got that from?"? I said, "The fridge you f***ing thick c***"
 
Doctor I've a bit of lettuce sticking out my bum.
After 10 minutes of investigating the patient asks the doctor "is it serious? "
The doctor says it's just the tip of the iceberg
 
brass neck said:
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '


The little girl replied thoughtfully,



'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
Click to expand...
*Makes mental note to buy keyboard cleaner*
 
My wife asked me if I had any fantasies..
I said "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met"..

She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".

I said "No..Just the first bit".

............................


Took the wife to a show where a black fella with big hair spins round & round in circles. When he had finished both me & the wife felt really horny.....


Apparently it was an Afro dizzy act!


..................................................

After shagging Jordan the other day, I'd like to make two comments:

1. Her gash isn't as big as everyone makes out.

2. The staff at Madame Tussaud's are miserable fuckers!
 
The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket"?
I said "yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy ****".
 
I was being chatted up by a right ugly bird in the pub last night. She said to me 'have you got a nickname?'
l said "yes, my mates call me 'the sledge'

She giggled and said 'is that cos you're a smooth ride?' l said "no, it's because l always get pulled by dogs
 
Just bought a wicked game for the XBox. Its about a dark bloke who drives round shagging whores, using violence involving metal bars, crashing his car and evading police...
It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 12
 
My mate walked in on me wanking to a video on his laptop. 'Grandmother fucks young stud'.
"You're sick, why are you watching that?!", he shouted.
"It was on your laptop you hypocrite", I argued, "How come you're allowed to enjoy grandma porn but I'm not?!"
"Because its YOUR fucking grandma!"


......................


My doctor just told me I need help because I'm a compulsive liar . . . And then she locked the surgery door and sucked me off.
 
ellibb said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?




Still no idea

Pick my coat up whilst your at it ;)
 
MCFCpassion said:
ellibb said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?




Still no idea

Pick my coat up whilst your at it ;)
Click to expand...

love it

what do you call a 3 legged donkey

a wonky donkey

what do you call a 3 legged donkey with only one eye

winky wonky wonky donkey

what do you call a 3 legged donkey with only one eye that just farted

stinky stonky winky wonky wonky donkey

what do you call a 3 legged donkey with only one eye that just farted whilst it was playing the piano

plinky plonky stinky stonky winky wonky wonky donkey
 
MCFCpassion said:
ellibb said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?




Still no idea

Pick my coat up whilst your at it ;)
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs shagging another deer?

Still no fucking idea.

mine too.
 
2sheikhs said:
A man walks into his daughters bedroom and sees her masturbating with a cucumber. He says "you dirty little bitch. I was going to eat that later......it'll taste of cucumber now". (The likes of Laurent Charvet might find it funny. To everyone else, I apologise).
A female bodybuilder goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I've grown a penis because I've taken too many steroids".
Doctor:" Anabolic?"
Woman: "No, just a penis".
Click to expand...

How dare you. I don't even like cucumber.
 
Write a book about tying up a girl and you have a best seller....do it in real life and your daughter changes her surname from Fritzl....
 
Laurent Charvet said:
2sheikhs said:
A man walks into his daughters bedroom and sees her masturbating with a cucumber. He says "you dirty little bitch. I was going to eat that later......it'll taste of cucumber now". (The likes of Laurent Charvet might find it funny. To everyone else, I apologise).
A female bodybuilder goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I've grown a penis because I've taken too many steroids".
Doctor:" Anabolic?"
Woman: "No, just a penis".
Click to expand...

How dare you. I don't even like cucumber.
Click to expand...

i PREFER MARROW MYSELF...
 
mindmyp's_n_q's said:
MCFCpassion said:
ellibb said:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?



No idea! (no eye deer)

I know, time to get my coat
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?




Still no idea

Pick my coat up whilst your at it ;)
Click to expand...

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs shagging another deer?

Still no fucking idea.

mine too.
Click to expand...

What do you call an Aardvark that's just had it's head kicked in ?......... a vark
 
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