Joke thread

[pfazz]

Just been watching a lesbian 3d blue -ray on my HD TV.

For added effect I put 2 open cans of tuna on the radiator,..... It's like I'm in the room!

 

[BackofJeanette]

I recently found myself sleeping in the same carriage on a train with a complete stranger. After the initial embarrassment we both went to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, me on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leaned over, woke me up and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
I leaned out and, with a cheeky wink, said, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thought for a moment. "Why not," she giggled.
"Great," I replied, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
   

 

[Ovo]

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm a compulsive liar. I think she's just jealous because my reggae duet with Rio Ferdinand is number 1 in the charts.

 

[mancharlie]

My wife was devastated when her PIP breast implant ruptured, leaking industrial grade silicone..... However, now she's had her nipple pierced, we've been able to seal around the bath, kitchen sink and toilet cistern...!!

-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:16 pm --

Priest & Nun on a Camel in the Sahara Desert, the Camel drops dead leaving them doomed. Realising their fate, & having never seen a naked woman, the priest asks the nun to show her tits & she agrees, providing he shows his cock. They fondle each other & the priest gets an erection.
Priest says, "You know if I put this in the right place I can create life."
The nun replies, "Good! Stick it up the camels arse & lets get the fuck out of here."<br /><br />-- Sat Feb 04, 2012 8:17 pm --<br /><br />A pretty polish girl stows away on a ship, so she can start a new life in America. 3 weeks later she is found & brought before the Captain. He asks "what r u doing on my boat." She
replies, " I have met a Liverpudlian sailor & he is stowing me away till we get to America. He brings me 3 meals a day and in return I let him fuck me every night." Captain replies
"Oh he's fuckin you all right, this is the Birkenhead Ferry."

 

[mancharlie]

A couple were cuddling up in bed on their wedding night; 'Darling' the bride said. 'I have a confession.......I used to be a hooker'.Taken aback the groom thought for a while and then replied: 'actually that's quite erotic....tell me about it'.'Well' she replied. 'My name was Nigel and I played for Wigan'<br /><br />-- Sun Feb 05, 2012 11:51 am --<br /><br />A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

 

[BackofJeanette]

Howard Webb's kids have denied that there dad is a secret Man Utd fan.

"He is totally unbiased" said Alex,Rio,Ryan,Wayne,Nemanja

 

[mammutly]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Just Brilliant!

 

[paphos-mcfc]

I was offered a new job at Birmingham Airport on their new body scanner machine today.
The head of security said, "You can look at knobs, tits and cunts all day"
I replied " I already do, I'm a steward at old Trafford"

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Premature ejaculator seeks brunette female with massive tits and a waxed......

wait.... Oh!

It doesn't matter.

 

[Mustard Dave]

Italians:

Fabrizio

Rossi

Biaggi

Schettino