Joke thread

My sex addiction therapist told me this morning she was impressed with my progress and that i no longer see women as sexual objects and that I recognise their needs and I'm sensitive to their inner feelings.
Sounds to me like she wants me to
smash her up the arse..!!
 
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2!"
 
Carstairs said:
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me. I gave her a cheeky wink and said "get that trolley over here love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2!"
Click to expand...

Brilliant!
 
A radio station is offering a round the world trip if you can come up with a word thats not in the dictionary and can be put into a sentence.
A jamacian calls and says "ma word is gwan, spelt g.w.a.n and ma sentence is "gwan fuck yourself!"
DJ hangs up and apologises to his listeners!
5 mins later a guy calls and said "Ma word is Smee, spelt s.m.e.e. The DJ says ok, now what is your sentence.

The guy says "smee again, gwan fuck yourself!"

-- Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:50 pm --

I was going to see that film War Horse and my mate said you better take tissues ....


Halfway through it I thought how the fuck can you have a wank to this??<br /><br />-- Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:53 pm --<br /><br />Wots got four legs and more money than EVERTON..?

Harry Rednapps dog..
 
I just got knocked down and run over by a lorry salting the roads!


"i'll get you, you bastard"

I said through gritted teeth.
 
It's been confirmed that Alex Ferguson was given a red card in the tunnel yesterday by Howard Web.
It's thought the gold lettering on the front said "Be My Valentine"<br /><br />-- Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:01 pm --<br /><br />A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last Saturday.
After sharing it out between family members, they each walked away with £4.28
 
Some Egyptian fella just pulled up in a Ford Escort. Beeped his horn and bared his arse out of the window.Bloody toot and car moon.
 
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