Joke thread

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill.

They were Goodyears...


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When i was born, i had the choice of either being a really good shagger.. or having a superb memory,

so i...erm ...ah sod it, I've forgot what i was gonna say!


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My wife and I were on holiday and after a few sambucas and hours of persuasion she finally agreed to take it up the arse.


I'm so relieved, there was no way I could get another 8 pouches of tobacco in the case!
 
My mrs went for an afternoon drink with her workmates and came home at teatime pissed out of her head. She stumbled upstairs and after hearing a loud bump, I went upstairs to investigate. She had pulled her knickers down for a piss but stumbled forward and passed out with her bare arse stuck up in the air. I thought "this opportunity is too good to miss".
So I went out for a drink with my mates.
 
I was behind an old lady at the ATM today and she turned around and asked me 'would you mind checking my balance love, my eyesight's really bad?' So I pushed her over and said, 'yeah, you're right, it's shit.'
 
A recent survey asked if there were too many immigrants in this country.

18% answered: yes
72% answered: عفان ويؤمن نيته سريري تأسست سنين نحن
 
The top 8 things girls should say to men:
1. I'm bored, let's shave me snatch
2. Are you sure you've had plenty to drink?
3. That fart was awesome drop another!
4. Of course I swallow, it's lush
5. No thats ok you watch porn, I'll toss you off after i've done these dishes.
6. Just for a change stick it up me arse.
7. Are you still shagging that girl at work?
8. Marriage? No fucking way!
Sadly, Carlsberg dont do these girlfriends but Thailand does!
 
Commentators say it's impossible to knock 5 seconds off your personal best.

Not true, I managed it yesterday whilst watching the beach volleyball and heard the wifes car pulling in the drive.
 
After hearing the BBC were making a documentary, I sent off a photo of the wife. They sent it back. Apparently the show is called The Big Fact hunt!
 
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.

The Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?".
Paddy says "I think its my weight advantage,longer reach & superior footwork!".
 
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