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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
Just saw Harry Redknapp doing the theme tune to ''Only Fools and horses'' at the karaoke evening down the local pub. "No Income Tax, No Vat"....
Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
- Messages
- 15,711
Valentine's Day....
Secretly, men feel left out. There's no special day for the ladies to show their appreciation to the man in their life, so March 14th is officially ''Steak, Blowjob and shut the fuck up day.'' Simple, effective and self explanatory... no flowers or a fancy meal... just a steak, a blowjob and shut the fuck up for the rest of the day.
That's it, spread the word and do your bit to help men feel more appreciated!
ps. Curry option available.
Secretly, men feel left out. There's no special day for the ladies to show their appreciation to the man in their life, so March 14th is officially ''Steak, Blowjob and shut the fuck up day.'' Simple, effective and self explanatory... no flowers or a fancy meal... just a steak, a blowjob and shut the fuck up for the rest of the day.
That's it, spread the word and do your bit to help men feel more appreciated!
ps. Curry option available.
There's a woman with her baby waiting for the bus at the bus stop.
Finally the bus arrives and the woman gets on. As she's paying her fare, the bus driver says 'Oh my god, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
Flustered, the woman can't think of anything to say, and storms to the back of the bus, seething as she sits down next to a man.
The man says, 'You look upset. What's wrong?'
The woman says, 'That bus driver just insulted me and my family!'
The man says, 'That's not right! He's a bus driver, he's here to serve us, the customers. You go back up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you.'
Finally the bus arrives and the woman gets on. As she's paying her fare, the bus driver says 'Oh my god, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
Flustered, the woman can't think of anything to say, and storms to the back of the bus, seething as she sits down next to a man.
The man says, 'You look upset. What's wrong?'
The woman says, 'That bus driver just insulted me and my family!'
The man says, 'That's not right! He's a bus driver, he's here to serve us, the customers. You go back up there and tell him off. I'll hold your monkey for you.'
york away to this!
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- 23 Jul 2009
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- 10,711
Grolsch30 said:It's been confirmed that Alex Ferguson was given a red card in the tunnel yesterday by Howard Web.
It's thought the gold lettering on the front said "Be My Valentine"
-- Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:01 pm --
A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last Saturday.
After sharing it out between family members, they each walked away with £4.28
...or you could of course change this for "white off the estate".....
johnmc
Well-Known Member
york away to this! said:Grolsch30 said:It's been confirmed that Alex Ferguson was given a red card in the tunnel yesterday by Howard Web.
It's thought the gold lettering on the front said "Be My Valentine"
-- Tue Feb 07, 2012 8:01 pm --
A local Pakistani won 3 million on the lottery last Saturday.
After sharing it out between family members, they each walked away with £4.28
...or you could of course change this for "white off the estate".....
Or Irish Catholic
BackofJeanette
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- 1,584
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a women was born on just by feeling their breasts."Really?" she said, "Go on then... Try."After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
"Yesterday?" I replied.
BackofJeanette
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- 20 Apr 2011
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- 1,584
I just spilt up my violent Italian baker girlfriend,
Ciabattad me
Ciabattad me
Cellarite
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- 12 Jan 2010
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- Manchester City
A little lad of 11 walks into a brothel dragging a dead dog on a lead behind him. He approaches the madam at the desk and demands a woman. The madam explains that he's too young for this carry on. The boy slaps £250 on the table.
"Last door on the left of the corridor" says the madam.
"Hang on," says the boy, " I want a woman riddled with the clap." He says. The madam explains that this would be available at a specialist brothel, that these sorts of things don't happen here. The boy slaps another £250 on the counter.
"Make it the last on the right then love." says the madam.
The boy disappears for 15 minutes, then drags his dead dog behind him, out of the room and towards the front door.
"Hang on" shouts the madam "I can't let you leave until I know why you're here with your dead dog demanded a diseased damsel."
"Well," explains the youth, "I'll probably have caught the clap because I didn't use anything. Now I'm off to shag thebabysitter who'll catch it off me. My mum and dad will be home later and dad'll give her one when he drives her home. He'll come back and shaft my mum. When dad goes to work tomorrow, mam'll let the milkman in and bounce all over him. He'll then catch the clap."
The boy glances down and says "And he's the bastard who ran my dog over."
"Last door on the left of the corridor" says the madam.
"Hang on," says the boy, " I want a woman riddled with the clap." He says. The madam explains that this would be available at a specialist brothel, that these sorts of things don't happen here. The boy slaps another £250 on the counter.
"Make it the last on the right then love." says the madam.
The boy disappears for 15 minutes, then drags his dead dog behind him, out of the room and towards the front door.
"Hang on" shouts the madam "I can't let you leave until I know why you're here with your dead dog demanded a diseased damsel."
"Well," explains the youth, "I'll probably have caught the clap because I didn't use anything. Now I'm off to shag thebabysitter who'll catch it off me. My mum and dad will be home later and dad'll give her one when he drives her home. He'll come back and shaft my mum. When dad goes to work tomorrow, mam'll let the milkman in and bounce all over him. He'll then catch the clap."
The boy glances down and says "And he's the bastard who ran my dog over."
Fourinarow
Well-Known Member
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for tea?"
She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites
him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there
so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for tea?"