Joke thread

Walked into a bar with my dog and the landlord said sorry,no dogs allowed..so i said oh come on mate,my dogs a locksmith..the landlord said what do you mean? so i said watch...then i kicked it in its bolox and it made a bolt for the door.
 
A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
 
Wretched Vengeance said:
A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
Click to expand...
thats not a joke its the truth.
 
Some time ago I bumped into an old mate in the street and said "Hello Fred!" He replied "Don't call me Fred, call me Lucky! That plane crash in Spain - I should have been on it, but got held up in traffic and missed the flight!"
A bit later I met him again and said "Hello, Lucky!" He replied "Don't call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky! That terrorist bomb in London - I was due to be on that spot but fell ill and couldn't make it!"
Some time later I saw him again but he was in a wheelchair, so I said (nervously) "Hello Lucky Lucky!" He answered "Don't call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!". I said "What do you mean, Lucky X 3? You're in a wheelchair!" He replied "You recall the terrible storm last October? Well, I was on the bed, giving the girl friend a good seeing-to, when a lightning bolt struck the chimney-stack, it came through the ceiling and hit me in the lower back, now I'll probably not walk again."
So I said "What's thrice lucky about that?" He said "Well, if it had happened five minutes earlier, it would have smashed my head in....."
 
LIttle Kevin goes to stay with his grandprents who own a farm. One day he's walking with his grandad in one of the fields when he sees the bull mating with a cow.
"Look grandad, your bull is fucking that cow" says Kevin.
"You mustn't say that word", says grandad, "You must say he's surprising that cow"
Later at dinner Kevin sees something out the window and turns to his grandma and says
"That bull is really surprising all of those cows"
Grandma says "He can't be surprising all of the cows, he can only surprise one cow at a time"
"Oh yes he can", replies Kevin "They are all watching him fuck the horse!!"
 
Buying a Cinese takeaway £28

Petrol used for collection £2

Getting home and realising the numpties had forgot
to put in one of the containers

Riceless
 
Big Swifty said:
Some time ago I bumped into an old mate in the street and said "Hello Fred!" He replied "Don't call me Fred, call me Lucky! That plane crash in Spain - I should have been on it, but got held up in traffic and missed the flight!"
A bit later I met him again and said "Hello, Lucky!" He replied "Don't call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky! That terrorist bomb in London - I was due to be on that spot but fell ill and couldn't make it!"
Some time later I saw him again but he was in a wheelchair, so I said (nervously) "Hello Lucky Lucky!" He answered "Don't call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky!". I said "What do you mean, Lucky X 3? You're in a wheelchair!" He replied "You recall the terrible storm last October? Well, I was on the bed, giving the girl friend a good seeing-to, when a lightning bolt struck the chimney-stack, it came through the ceiling and hit me in the lower back, now I'll probably not walk again."
So I said "What's thrice lucky about that?" He said "Well, if it had happened five minutes earlier, it would have smashed my head in....."
Click to expand...

Good Lord! A funny joke! An actual funny joke... that was the last thing that I was expecting to find on this thread.

Help yourself to any cuddly toy from the top shelf, sir.
 
I was asked to leave the local swimming today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
"Because he hasn't shat himself," was the reply.
 
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
 
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