Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
- Messages
- 15,710
I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller the other day. Apparently, ''A meal for two with a terrible view'' isn't the best way to announce number 69.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
paphos-mcfc
Well-Known Member
A Government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de- icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries,safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads... I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!
My Missus has been working as a magicians assistant for a few years now, and she's picked up a few tricks... The other day I came home early to find her dressed in her kinky underwear, "abracadabra!" she shouted, and my best mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked... He must have wondered what the fuck was going on!
Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?" Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny". "I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt." "Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".
My Missus has been working as a magicians assistant for a few years now, and she's picked up a few tricks... The other day I came home early to find her dressed in her kinky underwear, "abracadabra!" she shouted, and my best mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark naked... He must have wondered what the fuck was going on!
Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland. Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?" Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny". "I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt." "Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".
Bit of an acquired taste i'd imaginepaphos-mcfc said:A Government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf hat and gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink de- icer, rock salt, torch, spare batteries,safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads... I looked a right twat on the bus this morning!!
gaudinho's stolen car
Well-Known Member
Someone asked Clive Tyldesley which Premiership footballer he would like to go on holiday with, and where. He said "Zat Knight in Barcelona".
JULES
Well-Known Member
I`d been in hospital for a few days when I said to the nurse "how much longer have I got to be in here? I`m really getting bored now". " you can always discharge yourself" she replies. .. "ok, shut the curtains and show us yer tits"
I got caught pissing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted that loud I almost fell in.
I got caught pissing in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted that loud I almost fell in.
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a little pvc number, fishnets and high heels. She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.
I can't wait.
I bloody love Shepherd's Pie.
I can't wait.
I bloody love Shepherd's Pie.
Alex ferguson dies and goes to heaven,he's greeted at the pearly gates by Gabriel who says to him " come this way Alex- God has a lovely house just for you"..Gabriel takes him by the hand and leads him through beautiful fields and valleys bathed in sunlight,past rivers where lions play with antelopes and all is tranquil and peaceful..They come to a clearing in a beautiful forest and there are two houses, one a quaint cottage with white fencing and wishing well in the centre of the lawn with the name Fergies Field above the doorway.. "This is yours" says Gabriel "and we hope you like it".. Fergie didnt hear Gabriel as he is too busy fuming at the sight of the house next door.. It's a 50 bed mansion painted in sky blue and white, Manchester City flags fly from the roof, City banners hang from the gutters,City scarves hang from the window sills, Blue moon can be heard booming from the open windows and the blue moon in the sky is visible during the daylight hours as well as the night..Fergie says to Gabriel " I expect this is Mancinis house for when he comes to heaven then"?? to which a big booming voice from the sky says " fuck off you old soak....thats my house"!!
pablozabaleta
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 29 Nov 2010
- Messages
- 2,310
I've spotted Chelsea's cunning plan.
You don't have to worry about UEFA financial fair play rules if you're not in Europe.
You don't have to worry about UEFA financial fair play rules if you're not in Europe.
mcfc-mike
Well-Known Member
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."
Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."