East Level 2
Well-Known Member
Admission of guilt, can't do maths or Clarkie?
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
It is Haha!That's really, really spooky
Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy looks in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said:
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole load and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
casserole of nonsense
Well-Known Member
It's the day before Christmas. Harry the milkman arrives at No 68 to find Mrs Jones waiting on the doorstep in only her dressing gown. She beckons Harry inside, takes him straight upstairs and shags the daylights out of him for two hours. She then takes him downstairs again and cooks him a full English breakfast. She tells him he has to go now, but gives him a fiver on his way back out of the door. Harry pauses a moment and asks why the shag, the breakfast and the fiver? Mrs Jones replies, "Well, I was talking to my husband last night and I asked him what he thought Harry the milkman would expect for his Christmas bonus. My husband said "The milkman? Fuck him, he'll be lucky if we give him a fiver". The breakfast was my idea".
jimharri
Moderator
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The air conditioning has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
chris63
Well-Known Member
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
Mad Eyed Screamer
Moderator
A woman goes to the police station and says ''I have been graped''
The cop says ''don't you mean raped?''
''No'' says the woman, adding ''there was a bunch of them''
The cop says ''don't you mean raped?''
''No'' says the woman, adding ''there was a bunch of them''
LWashington
Well-Known Member
Two men are shopping in a supermarket when they reverse their trolleys into each other.
The first says,"Sorry about that, I've lost my wife and was looking for her".
"That's a coincidence, I can't find mine and was looking for her too". Replies the second.
"Maybe we can search together?" asks the first, What does your wife look like?"
The second man says " My wife is 20 years old, slim with long blonde hair down to her waist. She's wearing a light-blue bikini top and small white shorts. What does yours look like?"
The first man says "Fuck My Wife, let's look for yours".
The first says,"Sorry about that, I've lost my wife and was looking for her".
"That's a coincidence, I can't find mine and was looking for her too". Replies the second.
"Maybe we can search together?" asks the first, What does your wife look like?"
The second man says " My wife is 20 years old, slim with long blonde hair down to her waist. She's wearing a light-blue bikini top and small white shorts. What does yours look like?"
The first man says "Fuck My Wife, let's look for yours".
dickie davies
Well-Known Member
There's been trouble at my local theatre
During a performance of Aladdin, the lead actor was anally raped by the gay genie!!
The audience did warn him
During a performance of Aladdin, the lead actor was anally raped by the gay genie!!
The audience did warn him
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
I’m involved in a new documentary about plane hijackers. We’ve just shot the pilot.
jimharri
Moderator
I've eventually landed that job at the new Citroën factory on the outskirts of town. But Christ, they didn't half make me jump through hoops to get the job. I even had to send in 2 CVs.