Joke thread

I walked into my local bookies and the Manager said, i see you've had a double and i said really - yeah two non runners!!
 
Slipper One said:
Remember this well as a regular weapon in my history teachers arsenal........this or chalk would be rifled across the classroom towards those talking or not paying attention.

Never thought it an issue at the time, but he'd be fired on the spot these days.

He even had a hand grenade in his cupboard that came out on occasions.
Click to expand...
We used to hide them out on the window ledge, in secondary school. The teacher wouldn’t be able to wipe the board from the previous lesson.
Pretty sure I took one as a souvenir when I left school.
 
When I first started teaching cough, cough years ago; the sixth form at the end of the last day before study leave went around the whole school and hid every single board rubber.
 
Ist möglicherweise ein Bild von Text „The Pope is handing out miracles to kids in Liverpool. Billy walks on stage an asks him, Can you help me with my hearing...? The Pope says, Yes and puts his hands on Billy's ears and prays, he removes his hands and says, How is your hearing now... says, I don't know, it's not until next Wednesday...“
 
Bloke goes into a pet shop
"Can I have ten bees please?"
Shopkeeper says "of course that will be £10" bloke walks out and comes back 5 minutes later.
"Excuse me but you've put 11 bees in only paid for ten"
Shopkeeper says "yeah that's a free bee"
 
You've got to talk in a Texas voice for this one:

It was in the old west when a cat walked into a bar with a bandaged foot and said:
“I’m looking for the man that shot my paw”
 
knuckles said:
Bloke goes into a pet shop
"Can I have ten bees please?"
Shopkeeper says "of course that will be £10" bloke walks out and comes back 5 minutes later.
"Excuse me but you've put 11 bees in only paid for ten"
Shopkeeper says "yeah that's a free bee"
Click to expand...

Bloke goes into a pet shop
”can I have a wasp please?”
Shopkeeper says “sorry, we don’t sell wasps”
Bloke says “but you’ve got one in the window!”

(C) Mike Reid, 1979
 
Sister Bridgette, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a pub in Tralee. The place was quite lively with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, “Of course Sister, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
”Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,” said the good Sister.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
''Well, now they know you're one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”
''No thank you, but, I still don't understand,” said the puzzled nun.
“You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
 
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