Joke thread

There’s a well known assassin who drinks in a back street pub.
A bloke approached him one day and asks “ Are you the guy who charges £10,000 a bullet ?”

“Yep”

“What if you miss ?”

He looks at the man deadly serious “i don’t miss”
“Ok well there’s £20,000 there, I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best mate, they’re at a hotel right now”

“Let’s go” the hitman says.
So they drive to a shop across the road from the hotel and climb up to the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and scope.

“There in room 21” says the man and “ I want you to shoot her in the head and I want you to blow his dick off”

The assassin looks through his scope, he keeps staring for several minutes, not taking a shot.

“Well what are you waiting for” the husband asks.

“Hold on a minute” says the assassin, “ I think I can save you £10 grand”
 
With the invasion breaking out, a western reporter is sent to Moscow to find out what the average Russian on the street thinks of Putin. He approaches a few people, and gets the standard reply - "strong leader, great for the country, Russia stands proud" and so on. Then he asks one old man, who looks shiftily from side to side, and says "Not here. Come with me".

The old man dashes with surprising speed down an alley, then up a fire escape and into a block of flats. The reporter follows him through a door into a caretaker's storeroom, and from there into the lift shaft via an access panel. They climb up and emerge on the roof. Even then the old man leads the reporter to a secluded corner, out of sight of any taller buildings overlooking it.

"Right, westerner? You want to know what I really think of Putin?"

"Yes, by all means!"

"You bugged? Wearing a wire? Take your coat and shirt off."

The reporter does. "And now your pants and trousers." Again the reporter does, so he's stark bollock naked and the old man checks him for any bugs. Finally satisfied that no remote surveillance is taking place, he says "Yeah, I suppose he's alright".
 
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