I think its brilliant. Laughed out loud. Surreal.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege
K: Ok, round them up
S: 400 my liege
Squire: 384 my liege
K: Ok, round them up
S: 400 my liege
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
I just got a new job as a street cleaner. Turns out there’s not much training involved, you just pick stuff up as you go along.
jimharri
Moderator
Two deaf men were "talking" (conversing?) on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned off the light."
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned off the light."
jimharri
Moderator
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. That'll be $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations. You've got your memory back. $20, please."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer staring at the note says: "But this is $20, not $100."
Chinese Doctor: Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. That'll be $20."
GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. That'll be $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations. You've got your memory back. $20, please."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer staring at the note says: "But this is $20, not $100."
Chinese Doctor: Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. That'll be $20."
Last edited:
jimharri
Moderator
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar…
It was tense.
It was tense.
jimharri
Moderator
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Indaparkside
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 28 Dec 2015
- Messages
- 14,865
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.
He tried to plough a lot.
One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
We should change the name from the joke thread to the jimharri thread.:)
jimharri
Moderator
Well;very few of you miserable scrotes seem to be contributing lately.We should change the name from the joke thread to the jimharri thread.:)
Onholiday(somemightsay)
Well-Known Member
LikeThe wife just asked me whether I love her or football the most?... I said "Open your legs and I will show you"... ...So I nutmegged her.