Onholiday(somemightsay)
Well-Known Member
Ooooooof
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Indaparkside
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- 28 Dec 2015
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- 14,865
A tramp asks a man for £2.
Will you use it to buy beer
No replies the tramp.
Will you use it to buy fags.
No sir said the tramp
Then will you come home with me; said the man, so i can show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble.
Will you use it to buy beer
No replies the tramp.
Will you use it to buy fags.
No sir said the tramp
Then will you come home with me; said the man, so i can show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble.
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
I wish I’d never fucking said anything now. Place is awash with shite jokes!
Indaparkside
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- 28 Dec 2015
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- 14,865
The only part you got wrong was he has no mates:)
jimharri
Moderator
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research... This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why!
Mad Eyed Screamer
Moderator
Ole came 6th......
BlueHammer85
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- 36,819
This is brilliant ...
‘ A man died on his way to work, crossing the road - a bus hit him going 84mph,
The bus driver jumps out ‘sorry mate , didn’t see you there ‘ ... the guy lying down says ‘Before I pass away ... please tell my loved ones one thing ...’
Ok says the Bus driver what is it ..?
The man says ‘tell them that I love them and I have left them a letter in the cuckoo clock in the lounge ‘ ... the man dies.
The bus driver phones the victims family the next day ... and tells them the tragic news and mentions the letter for them to read ‘...
The family all weep and cry and tell story’s of the man who meant so much for them , his name was Peter who owned a farm full of sheep and cows and loved Phill Collins.
Peters wife Mary decides to wait till after the funeral to read the letter ...
At the funeral, Peters many friends and family all show their condolences as Peter goes into the burning furnace, they depart to the sounds of Peters favourite song ‘I can’t dance’
A couple of weeks pass and Mary still can’t bring herself to open the letter ... she tends to Peters cows and sheep in the meantime, there 2 sons John and Andrew also help their Mother with day to day duties.
Finally... around the dinner table - Mary says to Andrew, ‘we have not spoken about your dad much, but I’ve meaning to tell you - he has left us a letter, it is in the cuckoo clock in the living room ... would you like to go and get it ...’yes’ says Andrew , a little bemused.
Andrew goes and gets the letter ... it is sealed carefully, ‘’should we wait for John to be here before opening he says to his Mum ? .. ok’’ says Mary
They wait a couple of hours for John to arrive.
Finally he walks through the door, ‘brother, says Andrew ‘we have a letter from Dad - would you like to see what is says ? ‘Yes’ says John .. ‘let me go and have a quick shower then we will see what it says ‘
John goes and has a shower and comes back downstairs...
All the family are gathered in the living room, outside - the wind is howling and the rain begins to fall.
Mary opens the letter. It reads ...
‘Dear Mary, Andrew and John
If you are reading this. It means I am dead.’
(... Andrew and John begins to cry. Mary continues ..)
For years I’ve looked after cows and sheep and listened to Genesis greatest hits but I must confess .. this whole joke is a load of bollocks and a complete waste of your time. Stick it on Bluemoon.Thanks. ‘
Love Dad ‘
Mary, John and Andrew leave the room and have a massive orgy. One of the cows peeks his head in the open window.. before going back to chew on the moist grass.
‘ A man died on his way to work, crossing the road - a bus hit him going 84mph,
The bus driver jumps out ‘sorry mate , didn’t see you there ‘ ... the guy lying down says ‘Before I pass away ... please tell my loved ones one thing ...’
Ok says the Bus driver what is it ..?
The man says ‘tell them that I love them and I have left them a letter in the cuckoo clock in the lounge ‘ ... the man dies.
The bus driver phones the victims family the next day ... and tells them the tragic news and mentions the letter for them to read ‘...
The family all weep and cry and tell story’s of the man who meant so much for them , his name was Peter who owned a farm full of sheep and cows and loved Phill Collins.
Peters wife Mary decides to wait till after the funeral to read the letter ...
At the funeral, Peters many friends and family all show their condolences as Peter goes into the burning furnace, they depart to the sounds of Peters favourite song ‘I can’t dance’
A couple of weeks pass and Mary still can’t bring herself to open the letter ... she tends to Peters cows and sheep in the meantime, there 2 sons John and Andrew also help their Mother with day to day duties.
Finally... around the dinner table - Mary says to Andrew, ‘we have not spoken about your dad much, but I’ve meaning to tell you - he has left us a letter, it is in the cuckoo clock in the living room ... would you like to go and get it ...’yes’ says Andrew , a little bemused.
Andrew goes and gets the letter ... it is sealed carefully, ‘’should we wait for John to be here before opening he says to his Mum ? .. ok’’ says Mary
They wait a couple of hours for John to arrive.
Finally he walks through the door, ‘brother, says Andrew ‘we have a letter from Dad - would you like to see what is says ? ‘Yes’ says John .. ‘let me go and have a quick shower then we will see what it says ‘
John goes and has a shower and comes back downstairs...
All the family are gathered in the living room, outside - the wind is howling and the rain begins to fall.
Mary opens the letter. It reads ...
‘Dear Mary, Andrew and John
If you are reading this. It means I am dead.’
(... Andrew and John begins to cry. Mary continues ..)
For years I’ve looked after cows and sheep and listened to Genesis greatest hits but I must confess .. this whole joke is a load of bollocks and a complete waste of your time. Stick it on Bluemoon.Thanks. ‘
Love Dad ‘
Mary, John and Andrew leave the room and have a massive orgy. One of the cows peeks his head in the open window.. before going back to chew on the moist grass.
Onholiday(somemightsay)
Well-Known Member
Immediate thread ban
TheRemainsOfTheDave
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- 16 Mar 2017
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- 6,491
A Roman legionnaire goes into a pub and holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please, barman"