Joke thread

After landing my new job as a B & Q greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."

I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
 
Two small boys are walking down the street when they suddenly come across a used condom and one of them picks it up. They play with it until they get home and one of the boy's mother sees it and shouts at them, 'What is that you two are playing with?!'
'It's just a balloon ma.' Replies one of the boys.
'Didn't I tell you not to play with stuff you found lying around in the street?!'
You did ma.'
'Now go throw that thing in the bin!'
While they walk away, the other boy says to the other, 'Jesus, your mum was so pissed off. Good thing we didn't tell her we ate the yoghurt we found inside.
 
I bumped into a cross-eyed lady today and she shoutd "You need to look wher you're going".
I said "Fuck off! You need to go where you're looking!".
 
My girlfriend has left me because of my fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
 
Little lad says to his dad, 'dad can I get a tele for my room?' To which his dad replies 'only if your grades improve at school'.

Half term arrives and his son gives his dad an envelope. He opens it to reveal his sons grades, straight A's.
'Now can I get a tele dad?'
'OK, OK i'll get you one'.
His dad buys him a TV and sets it up in his room. 'Now watch some tele and don't forget to do your homework'
20 mins later his son shouts his dad 'dad, dad, what's love juice'?
His father, feeling a bit uneasy about the situation starts to explain in graphic detail. 'Well, when me and your mum go to bed.... The child's jaw drops in shock.
'Well, that's love juice' the father says. 'Out of curiosity, what was you watching?'
'Wimbledon' the boy replies.
 
A man dies and goes to hell where Satan is waiting in a room with three doors. "You have a choice of three rooms to stay in," says Satan.He opens the first door, where there's a huge fire. He opens the second door, where there's a pack of hungry wolves. He opens the third door, where there's the sexiest girl in the world strapped to the wall naked. "Which room do you choose?""Erm," chuckles the man, "The third room of course." "OK." says Satan, who then turns to the girl and adds, "Thanks darling, you can go now...This guy's taking over."
 
jimharri said:
A man dies and goes to hell where Satan is waiting in a room with three doors. "You have a choice of three rooms to stay in," says Satan.He opens the first door, where there's a huge fire. He opens the second door, where there's a pack of hungry wolves. He opens the third door, where there's the sexiest girl in the world strapped to the wall naked. "Which room do you choose?""Erm," chuckles the man, "The third room of course." "OK." says Satan, who then turns to the girl and adds, "Thanks darling, you can go now...This guy's taking over."
Click to expand...


thats still the best option
 
Re: joke thread...

Was in Aldi earlier cos we'd overspent at Christmas.

Couldn't believe the price of the beer so put a couple of crates on the trolley.

When the wife saw it she had a fit, reminding me we agreed to save money, so I put it back.

Just before the till I noticed she'd slipped some make up and lip stick into the trolley.

When I reminded her about saving money she told me it was to make herself look beautiful for me.

The row started when I replied "what the fuck do you think the beer was for?"
 
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