Joke thread

robinhood CITY said:
Man goes in the travel agents he asks.Where's the best place to go on holiday.The agent asks"Who do you support"
"United" he replies
Agent"You can't beat the Canaries this time of year"
Click to expand...

alex_ferguson-thumb-up.jpg
 
pal of mine had a dispute with employers about being caught with his hand in the till on camera.

"if you rewind the tape you'lle see me putting it back"!!!!!
 
I call my testicles 'USB drives'.

That's because the contents of them end up on my laptop.<br /><br />-- Tue Nov 20, 2012 1:49 pm --<br /><br />My six-year-old son caught our priest masturbating this morning.

He said, "What are you doing Father?"

"It's called wanking," the Father replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why, Father?" he asked.

"Because my arm is fucking killing me." said the priest
 
Breaking News : Chelsea Football Club have announced the sacking of Manager Rafa Benitez. The Spaniard was obviously disappointed but is happy to leave with an unbeaten record.

Hold the Back Page : Chelsea Chairman Bruce Buck says the club are looking for a Manager to replace Benitez who has "the core beliefs and morals of the club at heart". The bookies have made Ron Atkinson the odds on favourite.
 
Paddy phones up ad mag and asks "how much is it to advertise"? The lady says"50p an inch" paddy says oh fuck that i cant afford it, the lady says"why what you selling" paddy says "a 30 foot ladder"


...............
I was at a fancy dress party the other night when a big fat girl came over to me. She blushed and said, "I really fancy you." "Calm down" I replied, "it's just a costume, I'm not a real fuckin doughnut!"


.............

I've finally found something the Wife's arse does not look big in...........


The fucking distance
 
a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"
 
BRUVS N BLUE said:
a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"
Click to expand...


I nominate this as the oldest joke ever to be put on BM. Has 111 pages really shown we have run out of jokes ?
 
..Bloke goes in to a travel agent and says; 'I'd like a holiday. Where do you recommend ?'

Travel agent says; 'who do you support?'

'Man U' comes the reply.

'well....,' says the travel agent before pausing dramatically.


'.... you can't beat the Canaries, this time of year !'
 
Blue Mist said:
BRUVS N BLUE said:
a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"
Click to expand...


I nominate this as the oldest joke ever to be put on BM. Has 111 pages really shown we have run out of jokes ?
Click to expand...

here is an older one

whats the difference between a sock and a camera ,
one takes 5 toes the other takes 4 toes.
 
ANAL SEX is like your first man u scarf. you don't really want it but your uncle gave it to you anyway.
 
Mark Hughes is such a brilliant up and coming manager and he will turn it around, he just needs more time.
 
BRUVS N BLUE said:
Blue Mist said:
BRUVS N BLUE said:
a little girl cuts her hand in the playground and runs crying to the teacher,she asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"why do you want a glass of cider"the teacher asks
"to take the pain away" sobs the little girl
"what do you mean" asks the teacher
"well" sobs the little girl , "i overheard my big sister say whenever she has a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider"
Click to expand...


I nominate this as the oldest joke ever to be put on BM. Has 111 pages really shown we have run out of jokes ?
Click to expand...

here is an older one

whats the difference between a sock and a camera ,
one takes 5 toes the other takes 4 toes.
Click to expand...

To be told in a Geordie accent for best results.
 
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