Joke thread

[Cellarite]

Probably been done before and perhaps a tad too late with it, but it always makes me chuckle;

Liverpool have signed a new striker from Nigeria.
On his first day of training, Kenny Dalglish picked up the ball and said ‘BALL’ then pointed at the goal and said ‘Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said ‘Kick’ understand, ‘Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!’
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say “Excuse me Mr Dalglish but I speak very good English” Dalglish replies ‘ Sit down son, I’m talking to Andy Carroll.’

Luis Suarez then jumped up and said "Hey negrito, don't disrespect King Kenny like that."

 

[carlos tevez is a blue]

I've just met Mark Hughes in a lift, I asked him if he was going up, he said no going down....

 

[Cellarite]

I've just met Mark Hughes in a lift, I asked him if he was going up, he said no going down....

is this true?

 

[mrcunny]

I've just met Mark Hughes in a lift, I asked him if he was going up, he said no going down....

is this true?

Surely he wouldnt of said it,if not true.
More to the point was it a shop or a hotel lift?

 

[gaudinho's stolen car]

I've just met Mark Hughes in a lift, I asked him if he was going up, he said no going down....

is this true?

Surely he wouldnt of said it,if not true.
More to the point was it a shop or a hotel lift?

When he said, "No, going down" did he give you a cheeky wink?

 

[paphos-mcfc]

is this true?

Surely he wouldnt of said it,if not true.
More to the point was it a shop or a hotel lift?

When he said, "No, going down" did he give you a cheeky wank?

 

[mrcunny]

Surely he wouldnt of said it,if not true.
More to the point was it a shop or a hotel lift?

When he said, "No, going down" did he give you a cheeky wank?

Whatever happens in a lift stays in the lift










usually splattered all over the walls...

heres a true story for you me and the mrs went into a lift in prague and somene had smashed the full length lift mirror,our mrs then said i do love those designer mirrors..

 

[BackofJeanette]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."

Absolutely brilliant!

Hats off to that man!

 

[daveduke67]

is this true?

Surely he wouldnt of said it,if not true.
More to the point was it a shop or a hotel lift?

When he said, "No, going down" did he give you a cheeky wink?

Did he have a teatowel on him when he said it?

 

[speccybob]

I bumped in to a homeless guy the other day. He asked me if I could spare any change. I stopped and looked at him and said,
"In my left hand I have a tenner, in my right hand I have a pound, which do you want?"

He replied, "I'll have the tenner."

"No you fucking won't," I said, shaking my head.

"Why not?" responded the unfortunate chap.

"Because beggars can't be choosers."