Joke thread

Should we change the thread title to Sickipedia copied and pasted jokes thread?

Why not post a link to the site and lock the thread ;-)
 
I was in the pub on Saturday night and noticed 2 large girls by the bar. They both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you 2 girls from Scotland?' One of them chirped 'It's WALES you fucking idiot!!' So I immediately apologised and said 'Sorry, are you 2 whales from Scotland?'
 
You know when you're getting older.., I was watching porn last week and found myself thinking., "Fuck me.., that bed looks comfy.!!!"
 
My best rugby moment:

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.
5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair,
an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another
bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi',
and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand
and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17,
I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School
Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go.
But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game,
we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it.
I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders,
handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right
under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time.
We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit
miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?'
'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
 
Someone threw Omega3 pills at me this morning, don't worry though, i only received super-fish-oil injuries
 
I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering? 95% replied "Get the fuck out!"

To save time and money Chelsea have sacked there next manager too...
 
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like
"Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."
 
Probably been done before and perhaps a tad too late with it, but it always makes me chuckle;

Liverpool have signed a new striker from Nigeria.
On his first day of training, Kenny Dalglish picked up the ball and said ‘BALL’ then pointed at the goal and said ‘Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said ‘Kick’ understand, ‘Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!’
Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say “Excuse me Mr Dalglish but I speak very good English” Dalglish replies ‘ Sit down son, I’m talking to Andy Carroll.’
 
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