Joke thread

[Uwe Already]

In my last relationship, I was being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me

She used to say she hated people who sell meat, I told her people who sell vegetables are grocer...

 

[hammocity]

A horse is playing for his local cricket side, he's hit 24 boundaries for 96 runs and his team need just one run to win the match off the final ball. He whacks the ball towards the ropes and his partner shouts “run, run”. The horse just stays in his crease, a fielder makes a last gasp effort and stops the ball from going for a four and the match is drawn. The Horse’s batting partner says to him “why the fuck did you not run?” The horse says “ if I could run I wouldn’t be playing fucking cricket, I’d have won the Derby and be shagging my brains out at stud”.

 

[manchester blue]

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

This was the winner of the Funniest Edinburgh joke 2019.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

My favourite:-

I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts"

 

[standupifyouhatemanu]

Went to the bookshop and asked the storekeeper for a book on dwarf sex, he said "how can you stoop so low",I said yes that's the one....

 

[Blue Mist]

My Mum and Dad were both dwarves.

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

This just has to be posted it again, it is that good. (awaits the PC brigade complaining on behalf of short people)

 

[KS55]

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.

This was the winner of the Funniest Edinburgh joke 2019.

A tourettes charity says he should apologise for mocking the afflicted. I would have thought that they had a better sense of humour, its just a pun, no mockery involved. But perhaps they are right, what does anyone think?

 

[Zubrman]

A tourettes charity says he should apologise for mocking the afflicted. I would have thought that they had a better sense of humour, its just a pun, no mockery involved. But perhaps they are right, what does anyone think?

I've heard grocer jokes than that.

 

[sir baconface]

A tourettes charity says he should apologise for mocking the afflicted. I would have thought that they had a better sense of humour, its just a pun, no mockery involved. But perhaps they are right, what does anyone think?

The Tourette’s charity should fcukinwell fcuk off. Cnuts.

 

[KS55]

A previous winner of this award was Tim Vine:
My hoover is a waste of space....
It just sits in the corner gathering dust.