Joke thread

[Indaparkside]

I asked a100 women which shampoo they used, they all replied the same way?? How the fuck did you get in here

 

[Indaparkside]

Stephen hawkins went on a blind date. He came home with broken glasses, a broken wrist, and a badly bruised back. Apparently She stood him up

 

[tommo74]

My mate came 2nd in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition, close but no cigar

When I was younger I wanted to be a tobacconist, but it was just a pipe dream

 

[Nellies left peg]

Biggest joke of the day is the England cricket team

 

[Blue_eyes]

A London cabbie gets flagged down by a brash American businessman at the airport. Take me to the savoy says the yank but detour round some of the sights in this little city of yours on the way. They drive past Buckingham Palace and the cabbie says thats the queens residence, well, says the yank, I have a summer house down my garden as big as that, as big as that!! exclaims the cabbie. Well,says the yank, that far off, and parts his thumb and forefinger by 2 inches to show the cabbie how close. They go past Nelsons column and as the cabbie is explaining its history the yank says, well, I have trees in my garden as tall as that. As tall as that"" exclaims the cabbie. That far off says the yank again gesticulating with his thumb and forefinger. This goes on at all the other points of interest along the way, then finally they reach the yanks hotel, as he gets out he sees a building across the road. Whats that place? asks the yank,and points to a maternity hospital. Oh, says the cabbie, thats where British women have babies out of their arses, out of their arses!! exclaims the yank, well,says the cabbie.............. that far off.

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I thought my wife was joking when she told me Davy Jones from the Monkees had died.








Then I saw her face......

 

[BimboBob]

Biggest joke of the day is the England cricket team

How did this joke pan out for you?

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

I tried drag racing the other day. As I was close to the finishing line disaster stuck.

I snapped a heel and went arse over fake tit.

 

[idahoblues]

I tried drag racing the other day. As I was close to the finishing line disaster stuck.

I snapped a heel and went arse over fake tit.

Lickily the Swede was there to pick you up

 

[CrazyBlues]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she gave him the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".
He said, "Fuck-him. Give him a fiver."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea"