Joke thread

[Daz_Blue]

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal until the pressure got to him

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

My ex won first prize at Crufts. The dog came second.

Scientists crosses an hyena with an Oxo cube. Made himself a laughing stock.

Blonde takes her car to the garage, "It keeps stalling.
-Mechanic "Crap in the carburettor"
-Blonde "How often?"

Irish space centre announce it's sending a rocket to the sun. Reporter asks "Won't it burn up"
"No, we're going at night"

 

[mancity2012_eamo]

A tourettes charity says he should apologise for mocking the afflicted. I would have thought that they had a better sense of humour, its just a pun, no mockery involved. But perhaps they are right, what does anyone think?

Who gives s fnck!

 

[RadcliffeRick]

Who gives s fnck!

I am very SHIT! FUCK! ****! offended BOLLOCKS!

 

[hammocity]

My ex won first prize at Crufts. The dog came second.

Scientists crosses an hyena with an Oxo cube. Made himself a laughing stock.

Blonde takes her car to the garage, "It keeps stalling.
-Mechanic "Crap in the carburettor"
-Blonde "How often?"

Irish space centre announce it's sending a rocket to the sun. Reporter asks "Won't it burn up"
"No, we're going at night"

Massive Furniture Sale, who needs a twelve foot chair?

Rubbish Removals, fuck that, I’m getting someone who’s good at it

Why is it, when you dial a wrong number you never get an engaged signal?

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

I went down town yesterday to a classical music shop off deansgate

when i got there it was closed with a sign on the window

" Gone Chopin
Bach in a minuet "

Has to be a shop in Liverpool surely?

 

[Ballymagash Blue]

I just read a book about zero gravity. I couldn't put it down.

 

[BlueHammer85]

I've just been blocked on twitter by Gary Barlow.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

Worst one for a long time

 

[FantasyIreland]

Why do Seagulls have wings?

To beat Scousers to the tip.

 

[blue b4 the moon]

Be gentle with me.....

Colin Bell decides to come out of retirement and play for Man City, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man U. They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Colin looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Colin goes out to play Man U by himself and the rest of the City team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
"Man City 1 (Bell 10 minutes) – Man U 0
He is beating Man U all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
"Result from The Etihad Man City 1 (Bell 10 minutes) – Man U 1 (Pogba 89 minutes)
They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Man U! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
"Don't be stupid Colin, you got a draw against Man U all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
Colin says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!!!