daveduke67
Well-Known Member
Citizen52 said:
He said he wanted them to finish in second place . What he didn't explain was that he meant second in the league not each game.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
He said he wanted them to finish in second place . What he didn't explain was that he meant second in the league not each game.
Bluemoon dan
Well-Known Member
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"
tangaroa
Well-Known Member
I was flirting with a drunk girl in a club last night, when I slowly ran my hand up her skirt and slipped my index finger into her minge.
As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.
That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three please fuck off?"
As she started panting, 1 finger became 2, then 2 fingers became 3 and before I knew it she had 4 fingers inside her.
That's when I looked at my mates and said, "Can you three please fuck off?"
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,658
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fuckin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."<br /><br />-- Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:48 pm --<br /><br />There's a fantastic new sex position called the "ParcelForce."
You can stay in all fucking day and nobody cums!!!
I had a terrible childhood
Freddie star ate my hamster & jimmy Seville licked my beaver
Nigel visited a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being fucked on the sofa
My heart was beating fast and the expectation was unbearable.
It seemed to take so long but eventually there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that fuckin trolley over here fatty, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2."<br /><br />-- Tue Dec 18, 2012 4:48 pm --<br /><br />There's a fantastic new sex position called the "ParcelForce."
You can stay in all fucking day and nobody cums!!!
I had a terrible childhood
Freddie star ate my hamster & jimmy Seville licked my beaver
Nigel visited a nursing home. He asks a 93 year old lady, "have you been bed-ridden since you've been here?" she replies "a couple of times but i prefer being fucked on the sofa
Clevers
Well-Known Member
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?""Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
BigJoe#1
Well-Known Member
Bluemoon dan said:A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer?"
Nice one, enjoyed the delivery..... believe it or not
TCIB
Well-Known Member
BELLENDER said:I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.
So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
On BM thats just considered good advice tbh.
D
D
dronefromsector7g
Guest
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
Nacho Cheese.
Blue Tooth
Well-Known Member
There were two dwarfs who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room.
The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH,
1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going.
He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"
The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The second dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.
"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.
"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection but you sounded like you got well stuck in mate"
"You must be joking" replied the second "I couldn't get up on the fucking bed"
The first dwarf is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH,
1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going.
He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get it up. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH"
The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The second dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted.
"How was your night?" asked the exhausted one.
"Terrible" replied the first. "I couldn't get an erection but you sounded like you got well stuck in mate"
"You must be joking" replied the second "I couldn't get up on the fucking bed"
johnmc
Well-Known Member
Jimmy Saville advent calender - only flaps 1-15 open
Ancient Citizen
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 26 Jul 2009
- Messages
- 15,712
I've been thinking, we need to talk,
Thought the caveman.
Thought the caveman.
Blue Tooth
Well-Known Member
What do you call a nun on the back of a Mancunian Utd supporter?
Virgin on the ridiculous ;)
Virgin on the ridiculous ;)
I LOLed for ages.BimboBob said:Ragnarok said:A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender says no and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The irritated bartender says no, again, and the penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got any fish?"
The bartender, angry now, says "Look, you've come in here three times asking if I've got any fish and I've told you no. If you come back in here one more time asking me, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar. Now get out! " The penguin leaves.
Next day the penguin walks back in and asks the bartender "Got a hammer?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any nails?"
The bartender says no.
The penguin asks "Got any fish?"
Made me laugh. Cheers.
Little Johnny is bored at school, so he puts his hand up.
'Yes, Johnny?, asks the teacher.
'Please miss, can I have a cigarette?'
'Good heavens no. Do you want to get me into trouble?'
'I'd rather have a cigarette miss'.<br /><br />-- Thu Dec 20, 2012 3:15 am --<br /><br />Little Johnny is bored at school, so he puts his hand up.
'Yes, Johnny?, asks the teacher.
'Please miss, can I have a cigarette?'
'Good heavens no. Do you want to get me into trouble?'
'I'd rather have a cigarette miss'.
'Yes, Johnny?, asks the teacher.
'Please miss, can I have a cigarette?'
'Good heavens no. Do you want to get me into trouble?'
'I'd rather have a cigarette miss'.<br /><br />-- Thu Dec 20, 2012 3:15 am --<br /><br />Little Johnny is bored at school, so he puts his hand up.
'Yes, Johnny?, asks the teacher.
'Please miss, can I have a cigarette?'
'Good heavens no. Do you want to get me into trouble?'
'I'd rather have a cigarette miss'.