Joke thread

[ali benarbia's studs]

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

[BackofJeanette]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting flies he responded." Oh! have you killed any yet she asked. "Yep. 3 males 2 females" he replied. Intrigued she asked "how can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the fucking phone.

 

[Lavinda Past]

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

 

[jimharri]

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

First thing I thought of as well. And yes; unfortunately I am old enough to remember Norman, Lennie, Mr McKay, Mr Barrowclough, Grouty et al!

 

[BackofJeanette]

Asked how he felt about the upcoming Cup tie with Everton, a Liverpool fan was quoted as saying "I've not been as nervous about a semi since watching Brokeback Mountain"

 

[ali benarbia's studs]

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

vaguely may have seen the odd re-run over the years. must have missed that one.

 

[117 M34]

THE ITALIAN TOMATO GARDEN

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I know if you were here you would be happy to dig the plot for me. Love, Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie.
At 4 a.m. FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

First thing I thought of as well. And yes; unfortunately I am old enough to remember Norman, Lennie, Mr McKay, Mr Barrowclough, Grouty et al!

Me too! I'm not actually old enough but UK gold is the only channel I watch other than SSN. Shame that going straight wasn't as good as the original series

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

vaguely may have seen the odd re-run over the years. must have missed that one.

It's worth watching Des, if only to see how brilliantly they managed to stretch your (nicely told) joke out for half an hour...

 

[jimharri]

I'm guessing you're not old enough to remember Porridge...

First thing I thought of as well. And yes; unfortunately I am old enough to remember Norman, Lennie, Mr McKay, Mr Barrowclough, Grouty et al!

Me too! I'm not actually old enough but UK gold is the only channel I watch other than SSN. Shame that going straight wasn't as good as the original series

Agreed. The idea had potential, but it was a disaster of a programme. Made the film version of Porridge look like an oscar winner in comparison.

 

[Ezra]

Andy Carroll got subbed and headed to the tunnel cursing and swearing. A few moments later 'Queen Kenny' summoned him and asked why he was swearing in the tunnel?
Carroll replied; "Sorry Boss, I was aiming for the bench"!