Joke thread

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a
parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water."
The customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves.
He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that maybe there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."
His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner walks by and asks if he needs some help and the new bird owner
sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor bird might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he got on with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".
The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah mate, he was dead when I took him out of the vice."
 
Went to this club it was quite dark and a lot of people were dancing plucked up the courage to ask this girl to dance, I’m sorry she said I can’t it was only then I noticed she was in a wheelchair I thought she was just sat down. Never mind I said do you fancy a walk I’ll push you and we’ll see if we’ve got out in common, yes she said we’ll go in the park. After walking for an hour or so she said I hope you don’t think I’m to upfront but would you like to fuck me, taken a back a bit I said yes but how “pick me up and put my arms over them rails and I’ll wrap my legs around you” well I did this and fucked the arse of her!! Having finished I took her home where her mum was waiting come in and have a drink I want to thank you for getting her home safely. Feeling a bit guilty I said no it was my pleasure she’s such a sweet girl well at least take this £10 for a taxi,again I refused please she said your such a gentleman most people just leave her on the fence.
 
Went to this club it was quite dark and a lot of people were dancing plucked up the courage to ask this girl to dance, I’m sorry she said I can’t it was only then I noticed she was in a wheelchair I thought she was just sat down. Never mind I said do you fancy a walk I’ll push you and we’ll see if we’ve got out in common, yes she said we’ll go in the park. After walking for an hour or so she said I hope you don’t think I’m to upfront but would you like to fuck me, taken a back a bit I said yes but how “pick me up and put my arms over them rails and I’ll wrap my legs around you” well I did this and fucked the arse of her!! Having finished I took her home where her mum was waiting come in and have a drink I want to thank you for getting her home safely. Feeling a bit guilty I said no it was my pleasure she’s such a sweet girl well at least take this £10 for a taxi,again I refused please she said your such a gentleman most people just leave her on the fence.
With the right punctuation that had a distinct possibility of being funny
 
The Pope is meeting with his cardinals.
"Your Holiness", said the High Cardinal, "you have a letter from Benjamin Netanyahu challenging you to a round of golf, in a spirit of peace and friendship".
"Hmmm, that is a very constructive gesture", said the Pope, "but I've never held a golf club in my life. Do we have a Cardinal that could represent me?"
"Well," said the High Cardinal, "some of us play occasionally, but none have a handicap...".
Then another Cardinal replied "There's an American Professional, Jack Nicklaus; he's a devout Catholic and maybe we could ordain him?"
And so, Nicklaus was approached, and agreed to be made a Cardinal and represent the Pope.
The day after the round was played, Nicklaus is in conference with the Pope.
"How did it go, my son?" asked the Pope.
"Your Holiness, there is good news and bad news"
"Let's hear the good news first"
"Well, I have to say I played a terrific round. My drives were long and true, my putting was awesome. I was truly inspired from above, and I birdied or eagled every hole. In fact, I think it was the best round I have ever played".
"That is truly good news, my son. What is the bad news?"
"I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods".
 

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