Joke thread

[DazWA9]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sends her husband a text.
"If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking send me a sip and if you're crying, send me your tears. I love you"
The husband, being typically non romantic, replies
"I'm on the toilet, please advise!"

 

[ray21]

Old but good

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Looks like another health crisis. All our NHS workers have just got the clap.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

My grief counsellor died yesterday.
He was so good I didn't give a shit.

 

[Maccblue]

was in my back garden having a beer at 19.59 and started singing to my self

If you all hate scousers clap your hands and the whole street joined in

 

[Blue Mist]

was in my back garden having a beer at 19.59 and started singing to my self

If you all hate scousers clap your hands and the whole street joined in

I didn't bother going out I just sent Mrs Mist to the front door and told her to clap louder.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

The young couple next door recently made a sex tape.
Obviously, they don't know that yet.

 

[nmc]

The young couple next door recently made a sex tape.
Obviously, they don't know that yet.

You know the rules.....

 

[DazWA9]

Plane with 5 passengers on board....Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, The Pope, Nicola Sturgeon and a ten year old boy. The plane is about to crash and there are omly 4 parachutes on board.

Trump says "I need one, I need to sort out the USA"...he takes one and jumps.

The Pope "I need one, I have to sort out the Catholic church"...he takes one and jumps.

Sturgeon says" I need one, I'm the smartest woman in Scotland"...she takes one and jumps.

Boris Johnson turns to the ten year old boy and says "You can have the last parachute, I've lived my life and yours is only just starting. Go ahead"

And the boy replies" Don't worry Sir, there are still two parachutes left. The smartest woman in Scotland took my schoolbag!"

 

[oakiecokie]

Just had a call from my chiropodist to say that next weeks appointment had been cancelled.They said they were doing exactly as per the Governments request and standing two feet apart.