Joke thread

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Chap I knew ate nothing but Heinz Baked Beans. He had them for breakfast, for his lunch and for his tea. Day after day the same diet.
Sadly, and tragically, for some unknown reason he decided to take his own life.
At the inquest, the coroner asked his wife if the man appeared despondent or depressed.
His widow replied "No sir, he was full of beans"

 

[yeseye]

Prince Charles has had his latest test results back. He's still not Harry's dad.

 

[oakiecokie]

With all thats going on in the world right now I decided to rid myself of any negative thoughts by singing some Dean Martin songs.
Fuck, I wish I hadn`t as it brought on a terrible sore throat and I`m now shitting my self in case I`ve contacted that terrible Crooners Virus.

 

[Harrilew]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

[Kippaxian]

Just seen Paul from the Chuckle Brothers at Asda. He got quite close and with me practising social distancing, I had to say, "Oi, Two metre, you!!"

 

[Zuriblue]

Don't forget the clocks go forward tonight.

Don't want to be late for sitting in your underwear in the lounge.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I saw Paul from the Chucklebrothers in a queue in Aldi earlier

I said "Oi, Two metre you".


Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. Available for weddings, christenings, funerals, bar mitzvahs etc etc. Mates rates for fellow BMers.

I told this on the Covid joke thread.

oh and it’s two posts up from yours on this page too :-)

 

[jimharri]

I told this on the Covid joke thread.

oh and it’s two posts up from yours on this page too :-)

Fair enough. Didn't check the previous page(s).

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Fair enough. Didn't check the previous page(s).

I thought it was a great gag but it’s not getting much love it seems

 

[jimharri]

I thought it was a great gag but it’s not getting much love it seems

Yeah, I liked it as well. But it's gone down faster than a lead balloon.