Joke thread

[Cheese Butty]

Last night I asked the wife if she would masterbate with some fruit.
She went fucking bananas.

 

[BELLENDER]

My wife is leaving me because I'm a 'Nosey Bastard'!

According to her diary.

 

[onelife]

Policeman stops drunk driver and asked him to take breath test.
Driver pulls out Nhs card -"this man is asthmatic please do not take his breath"
policeman asks him to take blood test. Driver pulls out second Nhs card -" this man is anaemic please do not take his blood"
Policeman asks him to take urine test.
Driver pulls out a season ticket - " this man is a man utd fan, please do not take the piss.

 

[manchester blue]

What;s 4ft long and keeps a cock warm?

A United scarf.



Sorry if already posted...

 

[unexpected item]

I've just been in the loft and found a 1979 copy of TV Times. Or, as it's now known, the sex offenders register.

If there's no burgers left on Tesco's shelves, try their meatballs. They're the dogs bollocks.

 

[johnmc]

girl sucking a geordies cock

wye eye pet you cock tastes like coconut



aye lass

its bountee

Nope. Struggling.

 

[bonespost]

Shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky......
just managed to finish before she no.

 

[onelife]

My new german girlfriend gives me marks out of ten when we have sex. Last night for example i shoved it right up her arse and she yelled "nine, nine!" My best score yet

 

[CityWest]

Shagged a girl with a stutter last night. I was lucky......
just managed to finish before she no.

Robin? ....is that you?

 

[jimharri]

The girlfriend has a pair of union jack knickers. I call them her Belfast pants. Every time I take them down, there's a bleeding protest!