All I can say is I hope you have nicked them from Twitter because if you have spent time thinking about a joke and coming out with those two then even Miranda Hart is safe.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
All I can say is I hope you have nicked them from Twitter because if you have spent time thinking about a joke and coming out with those two then even Miranda Hart is safe.
jimharri
Moderator
Nope. Off another forum over here. But thanks for your concern.All I can say is I hope you have nicked them from Twitter because if you have spent time thinking about a joke and coming out with those two then even Miranda Hart is safe.
CrazyBlues
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 5 Apr 2018
- Messages
- 68
Little Johnny likes to gamble. One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city. Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling." He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him." The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it. The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny." She says, "Yes, I know who you are." Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt." The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet. She pulls her pants down, shows him her butt, and there is no mole. That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why. His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost." The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem." Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
Big Swifty
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- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 4,381
Can someone rewrite this joke in English, not some Transatlantic dialect?
There was a big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland,it goes to court and the Judge said' ''Can anyone explain what happened''?
Paddy said I can,I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride,we were dancing quite close and the groom stormed over and kicked the bride in the fanny!
I see said the judge,that must of hurt.
Bloody right said Paddy,he broke 3 of my fingers.
Paddy said I can,I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride,we were dancing quite close and the groom stormed over and kicked the bride in the fanny!
I see said the judge,that must of hurt.
Bloody right said Paddy,he broke 3 of my fingers.
Big Swifty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 4,381
First scouser " Hey...dere's been a fire at Tesco's"
Second scouser: "''As dere?"
First scuser: "No, Tesco's".....
Second scouser: "''As dere?"
First scuser: "No, Tesco's".....
jimharri
Moderator
Calling @Blue Mist!First scouser " Hey...dere's been a fire at Tesco's"
Second scouser: "''As dere?"
First scuser: "No, Tesco's".....
dronefromsector7G
Well-Known Member
"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket." "How long have you felt like this?" "Ever since I was Lidl!"
Fred_Quimby
Well-Known Member
Boris Johnson walks into a Bank
He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?
BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.
Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a fucking donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?
Calling @Blue Mist!
@jimharri I take it all back.
If he had put
First scouser " Hey...dere's been a fire at Tesco's"
Second scouser: "''As der?"
First scouser: "No, Tesco's" It would have worked. Deffo worse that you Return to sander Elvis joke.