andyhinch
Well-Known Member
David........... Moyes?
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Bath night in Scotland.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't."
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't."
hackneyslim
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- 24 Jul 2008
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- 1,732
Ok, that's funny.
theinvisibleman
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- 15 Apr 2009
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- 464
2sheikhs said:Bath night in Scotland.
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Well, did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't."
I remember Wandering Walter, a well known Lancashire comedian telling that joke 30 years ago at a gentleman's evening in Stockport but it was a fishing club then!
jimharri
Moderator
There were two mates, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The bloke with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry Sir, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The fella with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry mate, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua?!"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The bloke with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry Sir, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The fella with the Chihuahua figures, "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry mate, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my guide dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua?!"
TravisBickle
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- 6 Mar 2009
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- 3,809
A little boy catches his mum bouncing up and down on top of his father, the boy asks what they're doing? Mum replies 'dads got a big belly so I get on top and try to flatten it' The boy replies 'your wasting you're time because when you go shopping the lady next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up again!!'
Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. The instructions said 'take off top and push up bottom'
Five fucking hours I spent in casualty!
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disabllity?'
I said 'Tourette's! Now fuck off ****!!'
Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. The instructions said 'take off top and push up bottom'
Five fucking hours I spent in casualty!
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disabllity?'
I said 'Tourette's! Now fuck off ****!!'
Benarbia_is_god
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- 21 Mar 2012
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- 1,459
Two crisps walking down the road, another crisp pulls up next to them and asks them if they wanted a lift.
They replied, no we're walkers.
They replied, no we're walkers.
Benarbia_is_god said:Two crisps walking down the road, another crisp pulls up next to them and asks them if they wanted a lift.
They replied, no we're walkers.
No No please tell me you got that out of a christmas cracker and have saved it.
(If I am being honest I laughed but I know I shouldn't have)
intheknow!
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- 13 Jan 2011
- Messages
- 1,262
Have you heard about the Englishman with an inferiority complex?
He thinks he's the same as everybody else!!
He thinks he's the same as everybody else!!
corky1970 said:anymore than 2sheiks said:A bloke takes a bird back to his place, throws her down on the bed and just as he's about to go down on her, he pulls away saying " fucking hell love, that stinks down there". She says " I know, I'm sorry about that but it's not my fault. I've got arthritis". He says " What?, in your minge?" She says "No. It's in my shoulder, I can't wipe me arse".
I know somebody' who has arthritis and its no laughing matter , if you ...... Etc ( fill in the rest yourself I can't be arsed I'm too offended)
I play guitar in a band and sometimes its so painful 'cus I also have arthritus, BUT that made I laugh.
Phil Meup
Well-Known Member
My girlfriend said she thought we should finish as I'm too weird
- I was so shocked I nearly choked on her piss!
- I was so shocked I nearly choked on her piss!
Phil Meup said:My girlfriend said she thought we should finish as I'm too weird
- I was so shocked I nearly choked on her piss!
Haha, good one
mickeyblueeyes
Well-Known Member
My wife said " if you switch off the light I will take it up the arse ." She let out a blood curdling scream.maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first ?
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's a lot of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"
So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds later he has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.
The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete asshole when you are drunk"
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him.
Finally he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"
"Well," said the other man, "the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's a lot of fun. You should try it."
The guy, who was also quite drunk, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?"
So he goes out to the balcony, jumps off, and seconds later he has splatted straight onto the ground, stone dead.
The bartender looks over to the other guy and says, "Superman, you can be a complete asshole when you are drunk"
Benarbia_is_god
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Blue Mist said:Benarbia_is_god said:Two crisps walking down the road, another crisp pulls up next to them and asks them if they wanted a lift.
They replied, no we're walkers.
No No please tell me you got that out of a christmas cracker and have saved it.
(If I am being honest I laughed but I know I shouldn't have)
My mates dad told me it when I was younger and it's the only joke I remember. It's terrible I know but gets a laugh!