Joke thread

[BackofJeanette]

When the pope toured Ireland he was asked what he thought of County Down..

He said "It's not the same since Carol Vordeman left"..

 

[tommyhair]

Dear Deirdre,

I was watching my next door neighbours daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was knocking one out I noticed my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

Haha

 

[BELLENDER]

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier
in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

 

[BELLENDER]

Getting old is a terrible thing.

Yesterday I went upstairs and when I got to the top I couldn't remember what I'd gone up for. I stood thinking for a minute or two but eventually just went back downstairs.

That was when I shit myself........

 

[BackofJeanette]

Just said to my scouse mate 'there's been a stabbing in Morrisons' he said 'as der mate' I said ..."no Morrisons u thick twat"

 

[stony]

What do you call a fat computer ?

Adele

*boom, tish* Thank you I'm here all week.

 

[Pearcey]

 

[BackofJeanette]

It's my Scouse nephew's birthday tomorrow so as a surprise I've put £10 in his nan's purse.

 

[mancitymick]

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Grimsby he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.
...
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

[Cheese Butty]

They have armed police on duty for the olympics, and for the paralympics unarmed police will be on duty.