Joke thread

I looked into my new girlfriend's eyes and said, "I would like to make love to your soul."

"Awww, any time, that is so romantic." she smiled.

"Great.." I replied. "I think I'll start with your r-soul."
 
pieface said:
2sheikhs said:
Ragnarok said:
they're
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ladies?
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hackneyslim said:
pieface said:
^^sorry.

I was in Paris with my girlfriend,what a wonderfully cultured romantic beautiful City.
But i couldnt understand all the Parisions walking around with their heads down looking at the ground in such a culturally inspiring place.................then i stood in some dog shit.
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Parisians.
This isn't Trip Advisor, is it?
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ok so i write a joke and it fails on a spelling arrer?
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I wasn't questioning your grammar. I was taking issue with you playing fast and loose with the term "ladies".
 
Tiger woods wife promised she would forgive him if USA Won today.Oh well,looks like hes going to have to wait another two years to Ryder.

You can now use reasonable force against intruders that enter your home.I cant wait for the mother in law to visit.
 
I just bought Condoms, and when the cashier asked do you need a bag? I just said No she isn't that ugly.
 
A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
 
ChrisNUFC said:
A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Click to expand...

Classic, In stitches laughing
 
ChrisNUFC said:
A bloke takes his mates to see his new flat, after a few beers, one of the lads asks him: "What's the big brass gong for?"

The host says: "It's my speaking clock!"

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you," he says, and hits it full pelt with a club hammer.

A voice from next door yells: "For f***s sake you c***, it's twenty to three in the f***ing morning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Click to expand...



thank you ken dodd
 
This one made me smile...

A Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". The manager replied "Sir that's a personal matter ". Husband replies "Like fuck it is! The window won't open so that's a maintenance matter !"
 
An ugly man walks into his local bar with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found her head"..
 
Dear Jim,

Please can you fix it for me to go on holiday with a girl in my class.

Thanks.


Jeremy, 30.
 
Sports Direct are doing a memorial Jimmy Saville tracksuit.You get the adult top, but you have to squeeze into kids bottoms
 
More scandal for the BBC as someone is now saying they saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird !
 
Breaking News- Sophie Ellis Bexter has been found dead in Paris,
reportedly in an ex-footballer's apartment.

French police have made a statement suspecting it was murder on Zidane's floor    
 
My 12 year old daughter asked me about Jimmy Saville today, she was worried that some of the things he did to young girls would happen to her.
I comforted her and advised her to just stay away from men who wear alot of bling and dodgy shell suits.
Or to put it another way, don,t ever go to Liverpool!
 
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
 
Understand Saville was quite excited when he heard the BBC were starting up ChildLine. He thought it was a takeaway.


Oh he never played Batman, and he never played the riddler, from all accounts his favourite role, was as a kiddie fiddler. The truth it seems was hidden, the stories are now told, for Jim to fix it for you, you had to be 10 years old.


Ey diddle diddle, Saville had a fiddle, while the BBC danced to his tune. He then joined a ring, run by Jonathan King, cause they both wanted underaged poon.


JJB Sports have started selling Jimmy Saville tribute track suits. They have adult tops, but you have to try and squeeze into kiddies bottoms.




Susan Boyle has returned her Jim'll Fix it badge out of total disgust at the way she was treated by him after appearing in his show.
He never laid a hand on her.


Girls - pre-pubescent, feminine itching?
Apply some Savile-on



They have just found Jimmy Savile's diary.
His last entry was about 10 years old.
 
Man: How much for a wank?
Prostitute: £15
Man: Thanks. I don't want one, I just wanted to know how much I was saving every night.
 
It makes me sick - all these showbiz personalities turning out to be predatory sex monsters. Just found out Morph was a playdohphile!
 
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