Joke thread

I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"

I think he's dabbling in the Yakult.
 
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance
to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
 
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
 
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 150kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the expressway, enjoying pushing the Pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kph, then 200, then 250kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up With him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's Christmas. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
 
talkativesprout said:
Wears the soap........said the Nun in the Bath....don't rub too hard said the sister, you are hurting
Click to expand...

Nope. You gave the whole thing away with your spelling of the first word!!

The joke is

Two nuns in the shower, one turns to the other and says "Where's the soap?"
The other, startled and flushed, says, "Yes, it does, doesn't it!"

Manchester Uni Rag circa 1975-ish was where I first saw it!

From the same source...

Two old men sitting out in their deck chairs at Blackpool, watching the kids frolicking in the sand and enjoying their donkey rides.

One turns to the other and says, "Nice out isn't it?"
T'other one replies, "Yes, I think I'll keep it out!"
 
Last edited:
BackofJeanette said:
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance
to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Click to expand...

Like :)
 
ChicagoBlue said:
Nope. You gave the whole thing away with your spelling of the first word!!
Click to expand...

Agreed, in my rush to be succinct and forum quirky i committed the sin of giving up the game.



Old Chapel County Primary School Dukinfield circa 1978

Teacher: Can any give me a sentence wit Judicious in?

Lil Benny: Yes Miss , Hands that Ju-Dic-ious, can feel soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid . :)
 
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Teacher asks the class "I want you to explain the word "contagious"
Little Sarah puts her hand up and says "Miss, it's something to do with diseases being passed between people".
Well done" says teacher, "Can anyone add more".
Little Johny shouts out "Miss, Miss, it means something that takes a long time"
Teacher, wondering what Little Johny is on about, asks him to explain:
Well Miss, my Dad and I went out for a walk on Saturday and we saw a man painting his door with a tiny paint brush. Dad said "It'll take that c*nt ages to paint that door with a brush like that.

Bloke goes into a chemist and asks where the tampons are.
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons ?', to which the bloke replied
Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.
 
BackofJeanette said:
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.
One day he finds a theatre where they are willing to give him a chance
to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long, before the play, he's practising
his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage and, with great passion, delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter, and the director was steaming: "You bloody fool!," he cried, "You've ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Click to expand...
:)
 
kippax4ever said:
Bloke goes into a chemist and asks where the tampons are.
The assistant directs him towards the feminine hygiene section.
Five minutes later he goes to the counter with a bag of cotton wool and a toilet roll.
The assistants asks him 'I thought you wanted tampons ?', to which the bloke replied
Yesterday I sent my mrs out to pick me up a pack of 20 cigs, she came back with a pouch of baccy and a packet of papers. Lets see how she likes rolling her own.
Click to expand...
Lol, haven't heard that one in years! :)
 
Little boy goes to stay at his Grandmas house for the weekend. Sees her getting out of the shower, naked and says" Nana, what's that"? As he's pointing at her crotch.
"Well Billy, that's my beaver" says Nana.
When Billy goes home on Sunday night he sees his Mum getting out of the shower and asks her the same question. "That's my beaver", says Mum.
"Oh really? Nana has one of them but hers is dead, the tongues hanging out".
 
Not politically correct and mental illness is not fun. Still, one in today's Metro from prince Philip: I hear they've now got eating dogs for anorexics.
 
what do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
warren


what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
bob


what do you call a man with no arms or legs under a pile of leaves?
russell


what do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?
art


what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
cliff


what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
eileen


what do you call a woman at the bottom of a cliff?
eileen dover


what do you call a man with a crane on his head?
derek


what do you call a man with a spade on his head?
doug


what do you call a woman playing snooker with a pint balanced on their head?
beatrix potter


what do you call a man with soil on his head?
pete


what do you call a man who isn't religious?
godfrey


what do you call an italian man with a rubber toe?
roberto


what do you call a spanish man finally leaving hospital?
manuel


kippax4ever said:
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Ha i Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
Click to expand...

what do you call a chinese woman with a food mixer on her head?
brenda
 
Can't be arsed with the spoilers:

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?

Reg

What do you call a man lying in the gutter

Dwain

What do you call a man wearing a raincoat?

Mac

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats?

Max

What do you call a man wearing two raincoats in a cemetery?

Max Bygraves.
 
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