Joke thread

kippax4ever said:
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)
English - Chinese

That's not right! Sum Ting Wong.....
Click to expand...

You laugh but this made the news after the TV channel called authorities and an intern gave them these names of the flight crew on an Asiana flight that crashed.

 
Guy up in court judge says do you have anything to say before I sentence you, fuck all replied the prisoner the judge turns to his solicitor and says what did he say,fuck all replied the solicitor, strange said the judge I'm sure I saw his lips move.
 
Italian Police, who are hunting a robber who stole a rare biography of Stradivarius, have warned the public not to approach the man as he has a history of violins.
 
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of £10m. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing money, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies,"He says fuck you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
 
A little boy walks into to bathroom as his mum is taking a bath. He stares at her fanny, points and asks "what's that?"
"Erm, it's my sponge" his Mum replies
Every time the boy's mum takes a bath, her son would rush in, point and shout "I can see your sponge"
So to attempt to put an end to her son's fascination she shaves all her pubes
The next time she's bathing her son runs in, looks and says "What's happened to your sponge Mummy?"
Without hesitation, she replied "I lost it" Her son leaves the bathroom and less than five minutes later he charges back in screaming "Mummy, Mummy, I've found your sponge"
"Really where?"
"The lady next door is washing Daddy's face with it"
 
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
-------------------------------------------
Have you heard of Murphy's Law

-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong

-What's about Cole's law?

-No

-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream
 
I made this one up a few years ago. I think it's funny anyway.....

A group af schoolboys are about to play Rugby during a PE lesson. Before they start the teacher says;

'Right boys you will all know that the Rugby World Cup starts this week, and we are going to have a little competition. Everyone gets to pick a team and the boys who pick the team that wins The World Cup gets an extra day off school.'

Of course they are all excited about this, but one boy asks who gets to pick first.

'OK says the teacher, we will go off last weeks Maths test, the boy who got the most marks gets to pick first. So, James...who are you going to have ?'

'I think I'll have New Zealand Sir.'

'Robert?'

'Australia for me Sir.'

'Oliver?'

'Please Sir, I want Samoa.'


As you can possibly imagine, I am quite often the only one who laughs...still tickles me.
 
bluebaja said:
I made this one up a few years ago. I think it's funny anyway.....

A group af schoolboys are about to play Rugby during a PE lesson. Before they start the teacher says;

'Right boys you will all know that the Rugby World Cup starts this week, and we are going to have a little competition. Everyone gets to pick a team and the boys who pick the team that wins The World Cup gets an extra day off school.'

Of course they are all excited about this, but one boy asks who gets to pick first.

'OK says the teacher, we will go off last weeks Maths test, the boy who got the most marks gets to pick first. So, James...who are you going to have ?'

'I think I'll have New Zealand Sir.'

'Robert?'

'Australia for me Sir.'

'Oliver?'

'Please Sir, I want Samoa.'


As you can possibly imagine, I am quite often the only one who laughs...still tickles me.
Click to expand...


Do not give up the day job .....I repeat ..... do not give up the day job
 
bluebaja said:
I made this one up a few years ago. I think it's funny anyway.....

A group af schoolboys are about to play Rugby during a PE lesson. Before they start the teacher says;

'Right boys you will all know that the Rugby World Cup starts this week, and we are going to have a little competition. Everyone gets to pick a team and the boys who pick the team that wins The World Cup gets an extra day off school.'

Of course they are all excited about this, but one boy asks who gets to pick first.

'OK says the teacher, we will go off last weeks Maths test, the boy who got the most marks gets to pick first. So, James...who are you going to have ?'

'I think I'll have New Zealand Sir.'

'Robert?'

'Australia for me Sir.'

'Oliver?'

'Please Sir, I want Samoa.'


As you can possibly imagine, I am quite often the only one who laughs...still tickles me.
Click to expand...

Why didn't he pick England, or South Africa, or another team more likely to win the world cup?
 
18423895_10208297381105995_3848611344964461105_n.jpg
 
This is better, think this one was from Viz...

The husband is on his deathbed aged 86. As he is drifting in and out of sleep his wife says to him;
'Do you have any regrets about your life?'
'Yes' says the husband, 'I regret that I never won anything in my whole life.'
The wife tenderly takes his hand and puts her face next to his.
'You did' she says. 'You won my heart'
'No you stupid cow' says the husband 'I mean something worth having like a Car...'
 
I know it's an oldie but I'm working with a guy from Hong Kong this week, and I'm taking him the game on Saturday!


Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.





In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".






A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -






"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..


The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing............






"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."
 
Socrates once said 'To be is to do.'

Descartes once said 'To do is to be.'

Louis Armstrong once said 'Do be do be do be.'
 
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