Joke thread

[jimharri]

My dad has been ill recently. The doctor advised that applying grease to his back a few times a day may help his symptoms. He seemed to go downhill fast after that.

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

I went to the house I grew up in today and asked them if I could come in and have a look around for old times sake. They said "Get lost" and slammed the door in my face! My parents can be so rude at times.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I've been charged after erasing all the full stops from books in my local library.

I'm looking at a long sentence

 

[mat]

This gag is dedicated to @jimharri

http://forums.bluemoon-mcfc.co.uk/threads/england-is-mine-going-to-be-the-film-of-the-year.329174/

 

[west didsblue]

I was going to buy a homeless man a sandwich today, but I had a flat battery on my phone so I couldn't film it.

 

[talkativesprout]

a conman psychic midget escaped from Strangeways yesterday Police have said there is a Small Medium at large

 

[casserole of nonsense]

Sister Gabrielle was lying naked in the bath at the convent.
Mother Superior knocks on the bathroom door and says "Sister Gabrielle, the blind man is here and he urgently needs to come in and talk to you about something important".
SG "He can't come in Mother Superior, I'm naked in the bath"
MS "But he says it's really important"
SG "No, I'm naked"
MS "It's really urgent. It's the blind man, surely there's no harm to be done?"
SG "Well, OK, if it is the blind man then I suppose it doesn't matter really"
MS "OK blind man, Sister Gabrielle says it's OK to go in and talk to her"
The blind man slowly pops his head around the door and says "Nice tits Sister, where do you want this blind?"

 

[jimharri]

What's the difference between a nun in the convent and a nun in the bath? A nun in the convent has hope in her soul.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

What's the difference between a bad archer and a constipated owl?
A bad archer shoots but can't hit.

 

[Wrighty Wrexham]

Jonny Fucking Evans

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Jonny Fucking Evans

PMSL

 

[Blue Whale]

I saw a loaf in a cage at the zoo the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...

 

[MellowJoe]

I saw a loaf in a cage at the zoo the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...

Was it tiger bread?

 

[Big Swifty]

Bruce Forsyth died of a seizure - nice to seizure, to seizure nice.........

 

[bazbarrybazzer]

RIP boiled water, you will be mist.

 

[Plays By Sense Of Smell]

Was it tiger bread?

He'd be lion if it wasn't

 

[Ifwecouldjust.......]

My dad has been ill recently. The doctor advised that applying grease to his back a few times a day may help his symptoms. He seemed to go downhill fast after that.

Milton Jones at his best

 

[foggy1974]

I collect empty bottles sounds so much better than alcoholic

Stu Francis

 

[jimharri]

Apparently the new pound coin was made that shape so you could use a spanner to prise it out of a Glaswegian's grip.

Allegedly, for the benefit of our Caledonian brethren.

 

[ChicagoBlue]

In 2017, at age 29, Jonny Evans is apparently a £30M player.