Joke thread

[DrBlueBob]

I bought a dog off a blacksmith. Got it home and it made a bolt for the door.

 

[nedums noodles]

Police knocked on the door the other day “your dogs been chasing a man on his bike” and I replied “it can’t be my dog he doesn’t ride a bike”

 

[sir baconface]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered...

The chicken.

 

[BackofJeanette]

2 girls chatting in the office,

1st girl says " does your twat tingle after an orgasm?"

2nd girl replied " no he just farts, rolls over and falls asleep!".

 

[Mozzer]

What colour would you call this?"

"Fawn"

"What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?"

 

[MelbourneBlue]

2 girls chatting in the office,

1st girl says " does your twat tingle after an orgasm?"

2nd girl replied " no he just farts, rolls over and falls asleep!".

I laughed

 

[purplenose]

All the rags that thought they were going to win the League.

 

[sir baconface]

Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . .

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

 

[ali benarbia's studs]

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a chicken.

Met a girl dressed as an egg.

A question as old as time was answered...

The chicken.

it may be smarter to say the egg?!

 

[dickie davies]

A man in a hot air balloon is lost somewhere over Ireland
He looks down and sees a farmer working in his field, so he shouts "where am I?"
The farmer looked up and shouted back "you can't fool me. You're in that basket"

 

[christened at st marks]

Didn't know where to put it but PMSL

 

[TheBlueDune]

I witnessed an Apple store get robbed last week.
Police want to talk to me as an iWitness.

 

[jimharri]

The devil and a lawyer were drinking at a bar.

The bartender came over, and said; "You evil fucker, I thought I told you we don't want your kind in here."

The devil said; "Now listen, I have my rights, and ..."

The bartender replied; "No, not you. Him."

 

[aguero93:20]

The Devil and a rag were drinking at a bar.

The bartender came over, and said; "You evil fucker, I thought I told you we don't want your kind in here."

The devil said; "Now listen, I have my rights, and ..."

The bartender replied; "No, not you. Him."

Fixed.

 

[BlueHammer85]

Tottenham

 

[aguero93:20]

Tottenham

Came in to post that and got distracted by Jim's joke :/

 

[burnley blue mcfc]

Tottenham

Very quick well done ;)

 

[Plays By Sense Of Smell]

I got in a load of trouble at the farm recently with my German boss.
Turned out he wanted me to order 30 sows and pigs, not 30,000 pigs.....

This is making me laugh and laugh and laugh everytime I say it out loud. Thank you!

 

[Leto]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
It's me you ****, your doorbell's broken.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Irish text message ;-

'Mary, I'm just having one last pint with the lads, if I'm not home in half an hour, read this message again.'