Joke thread

[prestonibbo_mcfc]

Two tunnocks biscuits waiting on their cases coming off the plane, one says to the other, ‘long u been a wafer’ lol

hee hee. Love them tunnocks.

 

[big gaz]

I went for a prostate examination recently.
The doctor told me to strip off, lie on my side and pull my knees up under my chin.
I heard the "snap" of a rubber glove getting put on and then felt the intrusion of his digit into my rear passage.
"Don't worry" he said, "It's normal to get an erection during a prostate examination."
"I haven't got an erection" I said.
"No, but I have" he said.

Even Peter keys' done that

 

[bumbleblue]

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.

 

[malg]

Spoiler: Bit gross

Monday - Stayed in, Dad came down an fucked me.
Tuesday - Stayed in, got fucked by Dad.
Wednesday - Stayed in, Dad fucked me doggy style.
Thursday - Stayed in, Dad spunked on my face.
Friday - Stayed in, Dad gave my arse a right pounding.
Saturday - Went to watch Man Utd play. Wish I'd fucking stayed in.

You missed the first line to this which is "Josef Fritzel's daughter's diary"

 

[ancoats]

i think we have 2 gay male ghost in our house ?? and every time i go up stairs at night they tray to put the willies up me

 

[RadcliffeRick]

i think we have 2 gay male ghost in our house ?? and every time i go up stairs at night they tray to put the willies up me

I am getting lost with all these sexual practices, teabagging, traying, filching.......Armageddon!!

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester yesterday.

He had a Wigan address.

 

[taleofbluehalves]

In response to the messages about my dog , yes he's bitten 3 people with man u scarves on, 5 people wearing man u shirts and 20 people wearing mourinho t-shirts , but for the very last time HE'S NOT FOR SALE

 

[jimharri]

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender says, Wow, that's a lot of whiskey. Are you celebrating?

The man replies, Yes! My first blowjob.

The bartender says, Oh, congratulations! But if you don't mind me asking, why ten shots?

The man says, If that won't get the taste out, nothing will.

 

[DrBlueBob]

So there's this bloke with OCD...
What? Don't hate me, he's given his permission.

 

[Three_Hat-tricks]

I used to go out with a girl called Lorraine. She was an optician and a very sweet lady. Our relationship didn't really work and she left me after just a few weeks. That hurt a bit but on the plus side I got a free eye test and discounted glasses from her so I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The police came to my door holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife?" Shocked I answered, "Yes". They said, "We are afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus". I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse, does the cooking and she's good with the kids”

 

[sir baconface]

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the barman brings his drink, the cowboy asks “Where is everybody?”

“They've gone to the hanging” replies the bartender.

“Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete”.

”Brown Paper Pete? What kind of name is that?”, enquires the cowboy.

“Well” says the barman, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes”.

“How utterly bizarre. What are they hanging him for?”

“Rustling”.

 

[sir baconface]

What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?

Bisexual.

 

[Uwe Already]

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?

A leisure centre

I thank you...

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Just thought I'd nip over to my grandma's, and fair play to her, at 93, she had all the halloween decorations up, cobwebs and live insects in the windows and a skeleton on the couch... She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer. I'll pop back next week.

 

[Uwe Already]

Thought I saw a tiny ghost this evening, but on second look it turned out to be a hanky...

 

[peoffrey]

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman and they went to the pub for a drink. They didn’t invite the Welsh bloke as he’s a ****.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Enya’s published her next three fixtures:

Sale (a)

Sale (a)

Sale (a)

 

[Big Swifty]

This ship's officer goes to see the captain and says he suspects that sodomy is rife aboard the ship.

Captain: "Good heavens, man, what evidence do you have?"

Officer: "Well, sir, the cabin boys dick tastes of shit...."