Joke thread

Blue Mist said:
Inda, I appreciate there is a thread on the City bit of this here site which mentions a new breed of fans, i.e. young but if you think you can get away with telling a Max Bygraves joke from 1936 thinking they wont have heard it you are wrong.
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Was watching Bernard manning before pal:)
 
My wife wanted a divorce as she had met someone else, so to stop them leaving me destitute I thought I would find a hitman to kill her.After doing a lot of shady research I met a guy who was supposed to be the best. When and where? I asked, that is my decision, he answered, but I can assure you that it will be painless and instant. How will you do it then? I asked, I will do my trademark single gunshot just below the left breast, works every time. Thats no fucking use!!!!! I screamed, I want her killed not kneecapped!!!
 
Blue_eyes said:
My wife wanted a divorce as she had met someone else, so to stop them leaving me destitute I thought I would find a hitman to kill her.After doing a lot of shady research I met a guy who was supposed to be the best. When and where? I asked, that is my decision, he answered, but I can assure you that it will be painless and instant. How will you do it then? I asked, I will do my trademark single gunshot just below the left breast, works every time. Thats no fucking use!!!!! I screamed, I want her killed not kneecapped!!!
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Your wife sounds like mine:)
 
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...




... A Peeking Duck!!!
 
BackofJeanette said:
We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I won't name them) just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!WTF??!!! I thought what the hell is that. Has something got in the bag, I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me. I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers, I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...




... A Peeking Duck!!!
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Ridiculously - I didnt see that coming...........:-)
 
A guy is working out in the Gym when a woman approaches and says hello. He replies sorry, do I know you. She says yes, I have your son. He looks dumbfounded and after a short pause he replies, are you that stripper from my stag night that I had over the pool table, whilst your mate whipped my arse with a wet celery stick. No she said, I am your sons form teacher.
 
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