Joke thread

[BackofJeanette]

Judge to defendant do you have anything to say before I sentence you.

Defendant fuck all your honour,

Judge turns to his solicitor what did he just say

Fuck all your honour said the solicitor

That’s strange said the judge I’m sure I saw his lips move.

One of my Dads old jokes!

Thanks for the Memory.

:-)

 

[RadcliffeRick]

If Bernard Manning jokes were banned this thread would be half the pages

 

[bluemoon32]

A madman runs into a launderette, rapes the service girls working there and runs off. Next day the headlines are “Nut Screws Washers and Bolts”.

 

[RadcliffeRick]

A madman runs into a launderette, rapes the service girls working there and runs off. Next day the headlines are “Nut Screws Washers and Bolts”.

Circ Manchester university rag week 1978 ;-)

 

[manclad]

A transporter lorry pulls up outside Nelson Mandela's house and the driver offloads 6 Datsun Cherry cars.
Nelson tells the drive "I didn't order these"
Driver says "Just doing what I was told sir".
Nelson says "I'm going to call the factory boss" which he does.
Factory boss "Sorry sir, the driver misheard", I said take these to Nissan Main Dealer"

Del Boy and Rodders lived at Nelson Mandela's house!!!

 

[Big Swifty]

A man cuts his finger on a gramophone needle.

It turns out later he is HMV positive.

(Always assuming he still has an old gramophone)

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

I know I shouldn’t make snap judgments, but I think Rhythm is a Dancer was shit.

 

[dickie davies]

I know I shouldn’t make snap judgments, but I think Rhythm is a Dancer was shit.

That's as serious as cancer

 

[lefty goldblatt]

I know I shouldn’t make snap judgments.

Go on. You've got the power

 

[Fred_Quimby]

A madman runs into a launderette, rapes the service girls working there and runs off. Next day the headlines are “Nut Screws Washers and Bolts”.

That was on the wall of the expense store in my very first posting in the army in 1967 and it had been there years then.

 

[crazyg]

A man cuts his finger on a gramophone needle.

It turns out later he is HMV positive.

(Always assuming he still has an old gramophone)

On the same (ahem) vein:
Doctor tells Paddy that he's got HIV.
Does that mean I get drive a lorry now?", says Paddy.

Taken from later edition of Rag Magazine.

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Business man returns from a trip to the far east where he spent some time visiting a brothel. He gets worried when his dick turns green and starts to ache.
He visits a Harley Street surgeon who sadly announces that the dick needs to be removed and the operation will cost £20,000.
Seeking a second opinion, he consults a Asian doctor, specialising in dick problems. He examines the man then gives his opinion.
"Good news, no need to pay the Harley Street surgeon £20,000 for operation. Two weeks and the dick will drop off by itself".

 

[DazWA9]

My mum and dad were dwarves....All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

 

[DazWA9]

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with the Highways people. She was to paint lines down the centre of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.

The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! “Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well she’s still at the average and I don’t want to discourage her, so I’ll just keep quiet.”

The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss pulled the new employee in and says, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?”

The blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint tin.”

 

[DazWA9]

Maybe I'm being paranoid but there are 5 Peruvian owls sat on a fence looking in my window.....

I think they're Inca hoots

 

[Starr Gate Blue]

(a) Why shouldn't you buy Ukrainian underpants ?

(b) What do you call a cannibal who eats his mother's sister ?

(c) What do you call a cannibal who eats his mother in law ?







(a) Chernobyl fallout

(b) An anteater

(c ) Gladiator

 

[EastStandLower]

Getting a kite stuck in a tree is not one of my best moments, but it's up there...

 

[Blue Mist]

My mum and dad were dwarves....All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.

Did they work on the Titanic ?

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Two blondes on opposite sides of a river bank.
First blonde shouts out "How do I get to the other side?"
Second blonde shouts back "Silly woman, you're already there!"

 

[Big Swifty]

Did they work on the Titanic ?

???