Joke thread

[Indaparkside]

There’s so many corona virus jokes out there, it’s becoming a pundemic

 

[jimharri]

Just thinking of what it’s going to be like in 5 years time listening to all the Chavs telling darling Covid and Corona to stop fighting and eat their McDonalds.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Wetherspoons pubs aren't officially closing until Tuesday to give their customers time to get back from the toilets!

 

[1.618034]

Last night I asked the Mrs to put on a nurse's outfit.

"Oooh", she said, "What for..?"

I said, "We need a loaf and some toilet roll."

 

[nellyonthewing]

Every time I hear Covid-19 I expect it to be followed by Manchester United 0.

brilliant ..

 

[oakiecokie]

News just in that an ISIS suicide bomber has killed himself and 25 family members after deciding to work from home.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.Fucking brilliant that drone.Still laughing as I type.

 

[antspider]

Went to this club it was quite dark and a lot of people were dancing plucked up the courage to ask this girl to dance, I’m sorry she said I can’t it was only then I noticed she was in a wheelchair I thought she was just sat down. Never mind I said do you fancy a walk I’ll push you and we’ll see if we’ve got out in common, yes she said we’ll go in the park. After walking for an hour or so she said I hope you don’t think I’m to upfront but would you like to fuck me, taken a back a bit I said yes but how “pick me up and put my arms over them rails and I’ll wrap my legs around you” well I did this and fucked the arse of her!! Having finished I took her home where her mum was waiting come in and have a drink I want to thank you for getting her home safely. Feeling a bit guilty I said no it was my pleasure she’s such a sweet girl well at least take this £10 for a taxi,again I refused please she said your such a gentleman most people just leave her on the fence.

Very good. Ha ha ha

 

[yeseye]

I'm Watching the 70s and 80s replays of FA cup games on the BBC at the moment. There's enough bog roll on the pitch that I might have to start wiping my arse on the TV soon.

 

[Blue_eyes]

A bear and a rabbit are both having a shit in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks if he finds that shit sticks to his fur? Why yes, says the rabbit, like anything........ so the bear picks him up and wipes his arse with him.

 

[Indaparkside]

Went to the chemist today to get a packet of half inch condoms, lady serving me said they will only fit a mouse I know I said fucking house is over run with them

 

[Indaparkside]

Wife’s taken up running, she said I’m going to do 2 miles a day. By my calculations by the end of the month the fat cu nt will be 56 miles away from me

 

[Big Swifty]

Wife’s taken up running, she said I’m going to do 2 miles a day. By my calculations by the end of the month the fat cu nt will be 56 miles away from me

Bloody hilarious. I laughed till I hurt. Sometimes the simplest and crudest are the best. Cheered me up no end. I need it.

 

[Big Swifty]

Two chaps who happen to have cleft palates are in a pub.

One says (and you have to say all this with appropriate pronunciation) "You see that guy sat over there? Him with the red hair, red face and a ten-gallon hat on his table? I'm sure that's Red Adair"
His mate says "Course it's not. Ask him then"
First guy goes over and says "Excuse me - are you Red Adair?" The man replies "Sure as hell am, son. You got an oil-well fire and I'll put it out for your" So first guy goes back to his mate and says "See? It WAS Red Adair"
Mate says: "All right then - if that's Red Adair, where the hell is Ginger Rogers?"

 

[Zubrman]

 

[Ste1969]

86 year old guy shuffles into doctors on his zimmer and says to receptionist



"I'd like to see a doctor"


"Why whats wrong?" She said


"I have a problem with my willy"




Shocked the receptionist says such things are private and should not be said to a lady. She tells him "If its a personal problem like that you make it up and say something's wrong with your ear"




She gives him a real telling off and sends him out to try again from the start. So the poor old lad shuffles out on his zimmer shuffles back in and says




"I'd like to see a doctor"


"Why whats wrong?" She said


"I have a problem with my ear"


"Whats wrong with your ear?" She asks


"I cant piss through it"

 

[oakiecokie]

Two chaps who happen to have cleft palates are in a pub.

One says (and you have to say all this with appropriate pronunciation) "You see that guy sat over there? Him with the red hair, red face and a ten-gallon hat on his table? I'm sure that's Red Adair"
His mate says "Course it's not. Ask him then"
First guy goes over and says "Excuse me - are you Red Adair?" The man replies "Sure as hell am, son. You got an oil-well fire and I'll put it out for your" So first guy goes back to his mate and says "See? It WAS Red Adair"
Mate says: "All right then - if that's Red Adair, where the hell is Ginger Rogers?"

Shouldn`t laugh at people with disabilities ... but I did.

 

[blue b4 the moon]

There’s not much left on the shelves so today I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I’ve tried crab paste for the very first time.

It’s disgusting, I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund.

 

[Blueskying]

Young miss Jones in maths class: class, 5 birds are sitting in a tree, and farmer brown shoots one. How many are left? Little Billy’s hand shoots up: none, miss, the sound of the gun scared them all off.
Miss Jones: hm.. actually the answer I was looking for is 4, but I like the way you’re thinking. Sit down. Billy: I‘ve got one - 3 women are eating ice cream, one is licking, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?
Miss Jones: err.. the one who’s sucking?
Billy: no. The one wearing a wedding ring. But I like the way you’re thinking.

 

[jimharri]

If you get an email entitled "ding dong", don't open it. It's the Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

 

[Ste1969]

will a locksmith be classed as a key worker;)