Joke thread

[sir baconface]

According to PG Tips, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So in the kitchen this morning, I slapped her on the arse and said, "two sugars fatty!

Just lacked that one little word: “please”.

 

[jimharri]

 

[Big Swifty]

Why have we had three days without jokes? Are we that depressed?

 

[Mr Blue Moon]

Why have we had three days without jokes? Are we that depressed?

Sorry, I don’t get that punchline

 

[Big Swifty]

At least that's a joke - of sorts.

Thank you for that.

 

[dickie davies]

I've been off work so long now that I'm developing a scouse accent

 

[Sam Armstrong]

When my mother in law came down with symptoms of coronavirus last week we all feared the worst.

Well today, sadly, our worst fears became reality and the family is going through a tough patch with the news. She made a full recovery.

 

[Indaparkside]

Watching some old videos of grandad
In the concentration camps today heartbreaking he died the day before the war ended












He fell out of the gun tower



(Awaits with my tin hat on)

 

[Tommy_Catons_Perm]

I was stood at the bus stop eating a meat pie when this old lady walked up with her little dog. The dog started yapping and jumping up at me trying to get a bite of my pie. So I said to the old lady "do you mind if I chuck it a bit?". The old lady replied that no, she didn't mind. So I picked the dog up and threw it across the road.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

For Sale: Framed picture of John Lennon's wife... £100 ono

 

[Indaparkside]

Little old dear takes her Rottweiler to the vets because it’s cross eyed and goofy,
vet picks it up looks at it and says yes I’ll have to put it down,
why said the lady because it’s cross eyed and goofy
No because it’s heavy replied the vet

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Why have we had three days without jokes? Are we that depressed?

I don't know...why have we had 3 days without jokes ??

 

[Esteban de la Sexface]

I don't know...why have we had 3 days without jokes ??

New social distance guidelines

Jokes have to be 3 days apart

 

[TheRemainsOfTheDave]

New social distance guidelines

Jokes have to be 3 days apart

Judging by this thread, it ain't 'new'.

 

[Blue Mist]

I don't know...why have we had 3 days without jokes ??

I thought we'd had 6 months without jokes to be honest.

 

[dickie davies]

Deli Ali when being interviewed by the police following the robbery at his house was asked, did they take any medals or silverware
Ali replied " it's a very difficult situation as it is without you taking the piss"

 

[bluem@n]

What's the difference between a trampoline and a Utd fan?
You eventually get bored jumping up and down on a trampoline

 

[Indaparkside]

What's the difference between a trampoline and a Utd fan?
You eventually get bored jumping up and down on a trampoline

The proper joke is you leave your shoes on to jump on a rag

 

[Indaparkside]

Our local butcher has been sacked for putting his knob in the bacon slicer, fucking hell I said what happened to the bacon slicer

She’s on her final warning he replied

 

[Big Swifty]

My wife has accused me of being nosy. At least that's what it says in her private diary

Stephen Hawking's latest book has been published posthumously. It's about time.

97% of the population is stupid. Fortunately I'm in the other 7%

I swallowed some clay by mistake and the hospital says it could be fatal. Now I'm shitting bricks

I went to the doctor and he said "Say Aaaah" . I asked why. He said "My dog's died"