Joke thread

[Wanderingwolf]

I've started a new business, building yachts from my front room.

Sails are through the roof.

 

[KS55]

I've started a business building aeroplanes upstairs. Business has taken off, but the landing is a bit tricky.

 

[Big Swifty]

A bloke arrives home with a box and hands it to his wife. She says excitedly "Is this for me?" He replies that it is.

She opens the box and pulls out the contents. "What is it?" she asks. "It's an artificial vagina" he replies. "What am I supposed to do with his?" she asks.

"Teach it cook and fuck off."

It's a variation on the old feminist gag: "If vibrators could put up shelves, we wouldn't need men"

 

[Sid C]

It's a variation on the old feminist gag: "If vibrators could put up shelves, we wouldn't need men"

Another old one. What’s the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis called? A man.

 

[Zuriblue]

With interest rates as low as they are there's absolutely no point in saving anything.

- David de Gea

 

[BackofJeanette]

Whilst admittedly possessing limited knowledge of artificial vaginas, I have doubts about their potential to produce satisfactory culinary results.

I’m pretty sure it was a monkey versed in the art of blow jobs last time I heard this joke.

It was a large cock sucking frog when I first heard it.

 

[BackofJeanette]

talking of Motown, i hear it's been very cold over there recently - Three Degrees, Four Tops

Three degrees were on Philidelphia International .

Just sayin'

 

[Indaparkside]

Liverpool lifting the premier league trophy to an empty stadium hahaha

 

[Churchlawtonblue]

Did you hear the one about the VAR official not spotting a two handed save by a defender. Should have gone to specsavers.

 

[Zuriblue]

Nobody should be ashamed of wearing a facemask in public. After all some people wear Manchester United shirts.

 

[Big Swifty]

Phil Jones should wear a full facemask, permanently

 

[blue b4 the moon]

Did you hear the one about the VAR official not spotting a two handed save by a defender. Should have gone to specsavers.

Natural position (in some weird dimension)= No joke.

Looking at Sterling's pen forever, VAR giving it correctly & then the studio apparently saying it wasn't, now that's a joke.

 

[JULES]

Three degrees were on Philidelphia International .

Just sayin'

they also recorded for warner bros and swan records

 

[BELLENDER]

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya,

the inventor of the starting pistol.

 

[DrBlueBob]

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya,

the inventor of the starting pistol.

That's genuinely awful but I laughed nonetheless. Sadly my kind of humour.

 

[Mid Wales blue]

Whilst admittedly possessing limited knowledge of artificial vaginas, I have doubts about their potential to produce satisfactory culinary results.

I’m pretty sure it was a monkey versed in the art of blow jobs last time I heard this joke.

Michael Jackson, likes this post.

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I suppose I’m in the minority but I always lick the knife when I’m done.




None of the other surgeons seem to do it.

 

[dickie davies]

Natural position (in some weird dimension)= No joke.

Looking at Sterling's pen forever, VAR giving it correctly & then the studio apparently saying it wasn't, now that's a joke.

I find it incredible how many former pro players do not understand that it does not matter one jot if, when tackling, you touch the ball first before bringing down an opponent
If, after touching the ball (tackling), the ball is still within playing distance of his/her opponent, then it is a foul

 

[jimharri]

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya,

the inventor of the starting pistol.

Oi, @Blue Mist; where the fuck are you?

 

[Barcon]

I find it incredible how many former pro players do not understand that it does not matter one jot if, when tackling, you touch the ball first before bringing down an opponent
If, after touching the ball (tackling), the ball is still within playing distance of his/her opponent, then it is a foul

Not remotely funny.