Joke thread

[Stuuuuuu]

" With a second lockdown looming, I see people are starting to pile their shopping trolleys up again, I've just got back from Asda and saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.
I thought to myself, hang on a minute...
Hispanic buying!

And the award for Most Repeated Joke On Bluemoon goes to...

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I fell asleep at a party last night and somebody went and put a tea bag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental... Nobody treats me like a mug.

 

[JRockBlues]

I've just started a new business venture. Funeral directors with glass coffins. Not sure if it'll be a success or not. Remains to be seen.

 

[chrishull]

View attachment 4501

I asked for a cowboy outfit. Nearly ended up buying United.

 

[Cellarite]

I fell asleep at a party last night and somebody went and put a tea bag in my mouth. I went absolutely mental... Nobody treats me like a mug.

Shouldn't this be in the "Sexual Failures" thread?

 

[Uwe Already]

I got into a fight with my acupuncturist, ended up stabbing him- said he’d never felt better!

 

[Bill Walker]

I've just watched my 3-bar log effect heater shuffle across the living room and go straight through the door and slam it shut !

I thought "fires gone out"

 

[francisbaud]

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"​

"Don't worry", the doctor said, "Those are just the contractions"

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

I got into a fight with my acupuncturist, ended up stabbing him- said he’d never felt better!

An acupuncturist stopped me from smoking...she put pin holes in all my fags.

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

When my Great Aunt died, the family ask the monumental engraver to put "She never smoked, never drank, never swore, never married, never had a lover".
"That's a lot of work" he replied, "Why don't I just write Returned Unopened"