Joke thread

[yeseye]

 

[Bill Walker]

Seems glitter has been banned this Christmas.

Well, it's been on the cards for years.

 

[A57 the snake]

I got sent for a job interview last week from the job centre to Chester zoo... the head zoo keeper ask’s
‘Can you act like a gorilla as our rare silver back has died all you’ve got to do is play with a beach ball, swing on a car tier , eat a few bananas the jobs yours ? Yes I’ll have it ‘
Ok says the keeper hears your costume, your the next enclosure to the lion , so I’m in there and it gets windy and then turns into a force 10 Gale and the enclosure door opens and so does the lions door I thought fuck this I’m off running like fuck the lions getting closer I’m screaming HELP , HELP,
then the lion stops stands on its back two legs takes its head off and shouts “ shut the fuck up you’ll get us all the sack !!!

 

[Plays By Sense Of Smell]

Seems glitter has been banned this Christmas.

Well, it's been on the cards for years.

Jingle jangle bells...

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

A guy goes into his local bank and says to the manager, "I'd like to borrow £100,000 to open a cheese factory in Cheshire. It's gonna be great."

" Hold on a minute", says the bank manager. "There's already a company called Cheshire Cheese - you're gonna have to come up with something better than that."

The guy comes back next week, and says, "Right I've got it. I want to borrow £200,000 to open a cheese factory in France. It's gonna be called Brie Cheese."

"I'm afraid that one's already there too," says the bank manager. "Brie Cheese is world famous, so I can't lend you the money for that."

In a last ditch attempt, the man comes back in the following week. "Right", says the man, "I've got it. I want to borrow £500,000 to open a cheese factory in Israel."

"Oh, now we're talking," says the bank manager. "What are you going to call it?"
The man smiles proudly and says, "Cheeses of Nazareth

He could open it next to the Ice Cream factory - Walls of Jericho

 

[Paladin]

He could open it next to the Ice Cream factory - Walls of Jericho

Which is near to Lyons of Judah.

 

[chrishull]

Aren't you supposed to contact a doctor if your election lasts this long?

 

[Sid C]

Aren't you supposed to contact a doctor if your election lasts this long?

It wouldn’t be a Doctor I’d be contacting

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Aren't you supposed to contact a doctor if your election lasts this long?

Only if you're Chinese.

 

[Bill Walker]

Think the Germans are taking covid seriously now !

They're putting their towels on hospital beds now

 

[JRockBlues]

 

[ray21]

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

As the burglar entered the darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes...

...and let the cat do the rest

 

[Bill Walker]

I went to Scotland last weekend to the Highland Games.

Met a girl there and I thought I'd found the love of my life.

Turned out just to be a 'fling'

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I’ve been shagging a siamese twin but she finished with me when she found out I was shagging her sister behind her back!

 

[balotellishaircut]

What’s the mating call of a Blackbird
.
.
.
.
.
Come to bed Winston.

 

[citypepper]

 

[SWPISHOME]

 

[Zubrman]

A mate of mine specialises in comfy, two-seater sofas.

He's a double-lazing salesman.

 

[DrBlueBob]

Two cats have a swimming race.
First cat called One Two Three
Second is called Un Deux Trois

Which cat won?












One Two Three because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq