Joke thread

[Superbia9320]

My bird dumped me so I took away her wheelchair...

she came crawling back

 

[Chippy_boy]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating bastard of a bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[talkativesprout]

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

That fucking Panda upto his old tricks, last time it was a Brothel and he still hasn't paid the bill

 

[Blue_eyes]

The wife just asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooks dinner, so I’ve taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Umm......how will she know when its done?

 

[balotellishaircut]

Umm......how will she know when its done?

exactly never thought of that one Blue eyes ;)

 

[Blue_eyes]

exactly never thought of that one Blue eyes ;)

Lol, Ive always been quick, but in fairness I was concerned about the quality of your dinner.

 

[Stuuuuuu]

Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

Now that is good.

 

[dickie davies]

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

A white Horse walks into a bar
The barman says "They named a whisky after you"
The horse said "George?"

 

[sir baconface]

 

[yeseye]

Since you took your dove away, presumably?

She can do what feather she wants